I've begun a journey, a journey not everyone must travel, but one that I must complete to finally become what I used to be... I've been running for so long, finding myself is going to be the most difficult task of my life.
Life in and of itself is difficult- now you try going on a quest to rediscover who you are and what you've lost because you changed...
I'll need help along the way, and I can't say that who I am is someone everyone was familiar with, someone who they love--
forgive me if you lose me in the end
...this is my farewell....
Sunday, September 21
Wednesday, July 16
movie-set morning
Today is a gloomy day. Gloomy, but beautiful in its own way.
Im sitting in my kitchen, laptop on the table, blinds open, enjoying the mysterious ambiance of the day sifting in through the windows, eating yesterday's cold leftovers... in my mind this morning would be the perfect setting for the opening to a movie-- the scene would open to an amateur writer lounging in a hardback chair, hair losely braided shoved under a french barrette, thinking glasses on, hand under chin pondering the meaning of life in their kitchen which now looks similar to mine, with everthing from the laptop on the table to the mysterious gloomy ambiance.
But the silence is what brought me here this morning--from the moment I stepped into my house it enveloped me in its peace, calling me, telling me to savor its soft nonexistent presence before time and daylight chased it away, to savor it before the world would begin to awaken, slow as it seemed because of the gloom, with the sounds of the birds, the dogs, family, the neighbors...
The peace called my name.
It lured me in through the silence ...the silence that I am desperately lacking in my life right now-- I'd love just one, small moment to myself; one moment of quiet stillness to gather my head, my thoughts, my energy-- I need to calm down, but in this chaotic cacophony of life it has become hard to focus, hard to remain sane while I watch the world start to crumble down around itself.
Peace. Sweet peace.
I wish I could find more moments like this....
Im sitting in my kitchen, laptop on the table, blinds open, enjoying the mysterious ambiance of the day sifting in through the windows, eating yesterday's cold leftovers... in my mind this morning would be the perfect setting for the opening to a movie-- the scene would open to an amateur writer lounging in a hardback chair, hair losely braided shoved under a french barrette, thinking glasses on, hand under chin pondering the meaning of life in their kitchen which now looks similar to mine, with everthing from the laptop on the table to the mysterious gloomy ambiance.
But the silence is what brought me here this morning--from the moment I stepped into my house it enveloped me in its peace, calling me, telling me to savor its soft nonexistent presence before time and daylight chased it away, to savor it before the world would begin to awaken, slow as it seemed because of the gloom, with the sounds of the birds, the dogs, family, the neighbors...
The peace called my name.
It lured me in through the silence ...the silence that I am desperately lacking in my life right now-- I'd love just one, small moment to myself; one moment of quiet stillness to gather my head, my thoughts, my energy-- I need to calm down, but in this chaotic cacophony of life it has become hard to focus, hard to remain sane while I watch the world start to crumble down around itself.
Peace. Sweet peace.
I wish I could find more moments like this....
Sunday, December 31
unforgettable presence
"I guess we wish it would all change and that it could go like it does in our head.
Sort of rehearsed but meaningful and deep.
And when her blue eyes are flashing across the table it would all be what the writers and picture shows says it is.
Unforgettable.
Like the moment never ends. And maybe it doesn't, but only if two people remember it and live in it, otherwise it's forgotten and no one cares except the poor miserable one who hangs onto the nothingness he doesn't know he has.
And the story is written differently, it won't follow my pen. I'm just an underpaid actor and a lousy one at that, who likes to rehearse his lines in monotone cadence that smells like burnt hair, and children laugh while their parents send mean looks to keep them quiet so as not to embarass the ass who goes home at night and cusses at himself on the inside for not seeing reality.
But if he saw reality then he might not put odd words together, or sad ones or happy ones, that don't seem to make sense, but somehow say more than anything that has spoken to them or at them and doesn't remember their name.
You think you know someone by their words, when you hear or read what they say. But I think you know someone more when in their presence you let them be and you listen in the silence to each other's being.
It is then you begin to know someone, when their glow is what makes you smile, it's what makes you say "I want more of that".
People like to call that peace, but people like to give names to things that don't need names.
No, it's more than peace. Peace is a state. What I'm talking about is a person's very essence. And it speaks louder than words.
Because who a person is can be heard in their silence.
You can hear a person's deepest thoughts if you are quiet enough and listen closely.
We see things never seen before in someone's presence.
You might even hear your self, but we often dismiss it as white noise.
If only we knew ourselves more, maybe there would be more friends in the world. Ones that let others be, not in leaving them alone or never saying they're wrong, but allowing them to be their being.
Presences do things..."
Sort of rehearsed but meaningful and deep.
And when her blue eyes are flashing across the table it would all be what the writers and picture shows says it is.
Unforgettable.
Like the moment never ends. And maybe it doesn't, but only if two people remember it and live in it, otherwise it's forgotten and no one cares except the poor miserable one who hangs onto the nothingness he doesn't know he has.
And the story is written differently, it won't follow my pen. I'm just an underpaid actor and a lousy one at that, who likes to rehearse his lines in monotone cadence that smells like burnt hair, and children laugh while their parents send mean looks to keep them quiet so as not to embarass the ass who goes home at night and cusses at himself on the inside for not seeing reality.
But if he saw reality then he might not put odd words together, or sad ones or happy ones, that don't seem to make sense, but somehow say more than anything that has spoken to them or at them and doesn't remember their name.
You think you know someone by their words, when you hear or read what they say. But I think you know someone more when in their presence you let them be and you listen in the silence to each other's being.
It is then you begin to know someone, when their glow is what makes you smile, it's what makes you say "I want more of that".
People like to call that peace, but people like to give names to things that don't need names.
No, it's more than peace. Peace is a state. What I'm talking about is a person's very essence. And it speaks louder than words.
Because who a person is can be heard in their silence.
You can hear a person's deepest thoughts if you are quiet enough and listen closely.
We see things never seen before in someone's presence.
You might even hear your self, but we often dismiss it as white noise.
If only we knew ourselves more, maybe there would be more friends in the world. Ones that let others be, not in leaving them alone or never saying they're wrong, but allowing them to be their being.
Presences do things..."
~Ross Gale~
Sunday, October 1
here I am doods. have at
L: Loved by everyone.
I: Loves everyone.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
A: Easy to hang with.
A: Easy to hang with.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: Loyal to those you love.
O: Best in bed.
N: Dead sexy.
KEY:::
A: Easy to hang with.
B: Likes people.
C: Is wild and crazy.
D: Has one of the best personalities ever.
E: A damn good kisser.
F: People adore you.
G: Never let people tell you what to do.
H: Have a very good personality and looks.
I: Loves everyone.
J: Lives life for fun.
K: Really silly.
L: Loved by everyone.
M: Makes dating fun.
N: Dead sexy.
O: Best in bed.
P: Popular with all types of people.
Q: A hypocrite.
R: Frickin crazy.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: Loyal to those you love.
U: Really likes to chill.
V: Not judgemental.
W: Very broad minded.
X: Never let people tell you what to do.
Y: One of the best damn bf/gf anyone could ask for.
Z: Always ready.
I: Loves everyone.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
A: Easy to hang with.
A: Easy to hang with.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: Loyal to those you love.
O: Best in bed.
N: Dead sexy.
KEY:::
A: Easy to hang with.
B: Likes people.
C: Is wild and crazy.
D: Has one of the best personalities ever.
E: A damn good kisser.
F: People adore you.
G: Never let people tell you what to do.
H: Have a very good personality and looks.
I: Loves everyone.
J: Lives life for fun.
K: Really silly.
L: Loved by everyone.
M: Makes dating fun.
N: Dead sexy.
O: Best in bed.
P: Popular with all types of people.
Q: A hypocrite.
R: Frickin crazy.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: Loyal to those you love.
U: Really likes to chill.
V: Not judgemental.
W: Very broad minded.
X: Never let people tell you what to do.
Y: One of the best damn bf/gf anyone could ask for.
Z: Always ready.
Sunday, September 17
what is there left to do?
How can you tell truth from lies? Is there a common indicator from which we can gauge? I listen for tone of voice, I watch how the eyes shift, how the cheeks twitch, or how the neck pulsates. But even that can be misread. The words that dance off people's tongues, that slide soft off cold lips, how do we know?
For years tobacco companies hid the truth, understating the dangers of their lucrative product. Addictive? Unhealthy? They shrug their shoulders.
What about governments? How even the fragment of power can twist and mangle words into lies. Money? Disaster? They shake their heads.
Even the mob mentality, or the popular hysteria, the rash frenzy can sweep away truth from words. Here drink this Kool-Aid, jump off this cliff, sniff this dust. Murder? No heaven? They don't blink.
Your closest friend. "I will be there for you." Betrayal? Hurt? They wave it away.
Trust. No I don't trust. Your mouth moves and I watch for lies. I pass you by in the street and grip my wallet, hold my breath along the dark, stuff away my hands so I cannot be bitten.
I hold back my words, even the true ones. The ones that let you know me. You see a glimpse, but you don't know, you can't know. Because the truth is precious, it's fragile, it's power. What do you do with power? It is a gift, this truth. Don't take it for granted.
I watch your words for this gift. So that maybe, I can hold them, feel them between my fingers, run them over my skin, but they don't wander like feathers, because the truth of your words are solid as a rock, on its foundation is built freedom.
But how do I know you speak the truth? Can I take your word for it? Because what if your words were lies and you didn't know it? What if your philosophy, your belief, everything was a lie? What then? Can I trust your words? Can I really?
Do I know how to read myself? What if the words that flutter from my mouth fall flat and I don't see?
How then do I know?
Damn me if I tell you lies. Do not listen to a word I say if I don't speak the truth. Words are too valuable to be cheapened. Too valuable to be thrown around. Find and seek the truth, and treasure it with your life.
-Ross Gale-
For years tobacco companies hid the truth, understating the dangers of their lucrative product. Addictive? Unhealthy? They shrug their shoulders.
What about governments? How even the fragment of power can twist and mangle words into lies. Money? Disaster? They shake their heads.
Even the mob mentality, or the popular hysteria, the rash frenzy can sweep away truth from words. Here drink this Kool-Aid, jump off this cliff, sniff this dust. Murder? No heaven? They don't blink.
Your closest friend. "I will be there for you." Betrayal? Hurt? They wave it away.
Trust. No I don't trust. Your mouth moves and I watch for lies. I pass you by in the street and grip my wallet, hold my breath along the dark, stuff away my hands so I cannot be bitten.
I hold back my words, even the true ones. The ones that let you know me. You see a glimpse, but you don't know, you can't know. Because the truth is precious, it's fragile, it's power. What do you do with power? It is a gift, this truth. Don't take it for granted.
I watch your words for this gift. So that maybe, I can hold them, feel them between my fingers, run them over my skin, but they don't wander like feathers, because the truth of your words are solid as a rock, on its foundation is built freedom.
But how do I know you speak the truth? Can I take your word for it? Because what if your words were lies and you didn't know it? What if your philosophy, your belief, everything was a lie? What then? Can I trust your words? Can I really?
Do I know how to read myself? What if the words that flutter from my mouth fall flat and I don't see?
How then do I know?
Damn me if I tell you lies. Do not listen to a word I say if I don't speak the truth. Words are too valuable to be cheapened. Too valuable to be thrown around. Find and seek the truth, and treasure it with your life.
-Ross Gale-
Sunday, August 20
Thursday, August 17
my mouth hurts :P
I'm sorry people if I seem angry at you lately... I don't mean to, getting your wisdom teeth out sucks major balls; I really do love you all, like really a lot!! ...just so's ya know... I'm so sorry ppl <3 <3
Monday, August 7
indecisions
Its finally happened. I've given up. My favorite vacation spot- I feel like I'm abandoning it... and all for.. what?? Well, for one, a week home alone without my family... but its like I've finally decided to take steps on my own to accomplish what I want, not what my parents want. But I'm giving up on my fondest passions just to gain a little of nothing, it seems. My Lake Powell, my sanctuary, is gone. And still the indecision haunts me daily, making me feel like nothing really has been gained at all.
Its lonely, this feeling of being so lost and undecided. I don't know how I feel about making my own way in the world anymore- taking my own path- in doing so, I will always be alone...
Its lonely, this feeling of being so lost and undecided. I don't know how I feel about making my own way in the world anymore- taking my own path- in doing so, I will always be alone...
Tuesday, July 4
I have returned...
so guys, I'm back. and things aren't as bad as I thought they would be. in fact, I can't wait until I go back to SUU for freaking COLLEGE man!! these past 10 days have been some of the most fun and life changing I've ever experienced...
it's good to know that there are people out there who have the power and the motivation to change the world for good, and I learned so much from all of them and what they showed me; I love them all.
guys, there actually is stuff in this world worth living and fighting for- let's get up and make it all worth while!!!
it's good to know that there are people out there who have the power and the motivation to change the world for good, and I learned so much from all of them and what they showed me; I love them all.
guys, there actually is stuff in this world worth living and fighting for- let's get up and make it all worth while!!!
Tuesday, June 20
http://www.suu.edu/gha/2006
well here goes guys- i'm taking the next step into my future.
...but you know, strangely it doesn't seem like my future that i'm stepping into: it only feels like the steps i'm taking are being forced upon me- i'm a prisoner being led down a path that i don't want to travel. and the ones in charge of my arrest: my parents.
sure, it was my idea in the first place, but no parental support at the start kind of dashed my hopes to begin with. and now they're only doing it for the money. they don't wanna have to bother with college tuition for me... "go earn that scholarship" they're telling me, and what i hear is "i'm paying for this now so i won't have to later". yup, that's a real confidence booster, lemme tell ya.
sometimes i wonder what would happen if i actually stopped caring about what they thought; what i would do with myself if my confidence were not dependent on their emotional support over my decisions. i know i could go far, farther than anything they're expecting out of me. ...and yet, not as far as they'd hoped. i wanna travel a road that goes where I want it to go, but their opinion of that particular road is so emotionally discouraging.
i'm a hopeless case. apparently i have the potential to go far, and i know it, but to be shunned and put down on all of my own choices and dreams makes one become rather heartless, and passion begins to drain til only a handful remains. the hope is still there but desire is lost somewhere along the roadside- can't you see it? it's waving goodbye in the rearview mirror and the only thing that keeps you going is the chain around your hands, pulling where you first let it touch, tighter and tighter, until it pulls you off your utopian road, dragging you places you never would have touched otherwise.
yes, this is me. my hands are tied, and my heart's not free. ...who knows where i'll find myself in the end?
...but you know, strangely it doesn't seem like my future that i'm stepping into: it only feels like the steps i'm taking are being forced upon me- i'm a prisoner being led down a path that i don't want to travel. and the ones in charge of my arrest: my parents.
sure, it was my idea in the first place, but no parental support at the start kind of dashed my hopes to begin with. and now they're only doing it for the money. they don't wanna have to bother with college tuition for me... "go earn that scholarship" they're telling me, and what i hear is "i'm paying for this now so i won't have to later". yup, that's a real confidence booster, lemme tell ya.
sometimes i wonder what would happen if i actually stopped caring about what they thought; what i would do with myself if my confidence were not dependent on their emotional support over my decisions. i know i could go far, farther than anything they're expecting out of me. ...and yet, not as far as they'd hoped. i wanna travel a road that goes where I want it to go, but their opinion of that particular road is so emotionally discouraging.
i'm a hopeless case. apparently i have the potential to go far, and i know it, but to be shunned and put down on all of my own choices and dreams makes one become rather heartless, and passion begins to drain til only a handful remains. the hope is still there but desire is lost somewhere along the roadside- can't you see it? it's waving goodbye in the rearview mirror and the only thing that keeps you going is the chain around your hands, pulling where you first let it touch, tighter and tighter, until it pulls you off your utopian road, dragging you places you never would have touched otherwise.
yes, this is me. my hands are tied, and my heart's not free. ...who knows where i'll find myself in the end?
Sunday, April 30
stand by your freaking ron, man
I've put myself in a position where supposed rumors are constantly flying around me, plugging my eyes and ears and confusing me beyond all point of reason... I am so sick of being talked about. People, if you have a freaking problem with me, just tell it to my face- please don't spread it around the world first! So many things have happened recently that I am not afraid to take what you have to say- nothing can be too hard for me to take these days, and if it is, I'll at least listen to what you have to say and then leave before I freak out! I will listen to you, so talk to me. And if you have anything you're wondering about me, please don't be afraid to ask me about it, okay? I'm up for anything, anything to get away from everything that isn't true.
LOVE YOU, people, ...but sometimes... gar...
LOVE YOU, people, ...but sometimes... gar...
Friday, March 10
...just the girl next door
Small town homecoming queen
She's the star in this scene
There's no way to deny she's lovley
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside she's ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her
She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk- I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her
She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk- I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh, and I'm just the girl next door
I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else
She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
I get a little bit- she gets a little more
Shes Miss America and... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...
She's the star in this scene
There's no way to deny she's lovley
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside she's ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her
She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk- I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her
She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk- I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh, and I'm just the girl next door
I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else
She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
I get a little bit- she gets a little more
Shes Miss America and... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...
Tuesday, January 24
foreign emotions
What shall I think? What shall I do? --two things which are interrelated very closely. What use is thought without action, or action without thought? In the beginning there was action and then came thought. Now I need action. It has been a long time since I have done anything but think. Thought after thought, and no action comes from any of this. Now I can think no more. What good is all my thinking without action? I am not alone in this world. I almost feel as if I don't have the right to think further before I have done something. It is as if a voice within me were saying, "You have no right to think while your body is at rest." But what can I do? I am hemmed in on all sides, like a bird in a cage. Where should I go? Where should I turn? Every day that I am idle I feel pain inside of me. I have already tried a few things, but none of them helped. There are always my parents, who by their excessive watchfulness hinder my every act and accomplishment. Thus I am imprisoned on all sides, and time is ceaselessly running out, and I can do nothing.
-Moshe Flinker
Sunday, December 4
You've always been a tough girl
But you feel you're about to break
You're feeling stuck and out of luck
Watching your dreams all slip away
You've been working mornings in the kitchen
And nights at the corner store
As your life flies by you wonder why
And you know that there's gotta be something more
Hold on
But don't hold too tight
Let go- it's gonna be alright
Don't run away from what your heart is saying
Ohh
Be strong
Face what you're afraid of
Come on
Show them what you're made of
I know its hard when your hope is gone
But you gotta keep holding on
You hear a voice thats calling
And its telling you to make a change
It's time to fly
And say goodbye
And move on to a better place
You know you gotta take the first step
To get where you wanna be
Just get on track and don't look back
Cause it's the only way you're gonna be free
Hold on
You're gonna make it
You're gonna be stronger
Hold on
Hang in there baby
Just a little bit longer
Hold on
There, you're gonna be fine
Don't give up
Be strong
When the going gets tough
You gotta
Hold on
Hold on
But you feel you're about to break
You're feeling stuck and out of luck
Watching your dreams all slip away
You've been working mornings in the kitchen
And nights at the corner store
As your life flies by you wonder why
And you know that there's gotta be something more
Hold on
But don't hold too tight
Let go- it's gonna be alright
Don't run away from what your heart is saying
Ohh
Be strong
Face what you're afraid of
Come on
Show them what you're made of
I know its hard when your hope is gone
But you gotta keep holding on
You hear a voice thats calling
And its telling you to make a change
It's time to fly
And say goodbye
And move on to a better place
You know you gotta take the first step
To get where you wanna be
Just get on track and don't look back
Cause it's the only way you're gonna be free
Hold on
You're gonna make it
You're gonna be stronger
Hold on
Hang in there baby
Just a little bit longer
Hold on
There, you're gonna be fine
Don't give up
Be strong
When the going gets tough
You gotta
Hold on
Hold on
Monday, November 28
Friday, November 25
eating my emotions
I haven't been hungry for the past week. In fact, most times I feel overfed, like I've tried to cram something more into my already impossibly full body. And with Thanksgiving having been this week, it was horrible- trying to be polite by helping myself to every food avaliable while at the same time not being hungry in the first place, only to come back after getting over the "overfed" feeling to eat more and feel overfed again... I really don't know why. It's like I'm only eating because it's habit, not because I'm at all hungry, and I make myself sick in the process.
Sheesh! Can't anyone tell me why I feel this way; why I am this way?? I don't want to be this way... and yet I am. ...I am so screwed.
Sheesh! Can't anyone tell me why I feel this way; why I am this way?? I don't want to be this way... and yet I am. ...I am so screwed.
Sunday, October 30
hate ...or something like it
Torture. Absolute torture. Tied to a chair with nowhere to run except for to hide inside these tears streaming down my face...
"Now Lisa, I want this to be a real conversation we're about to have," but judging from what happens in the next few minutes I can already tell that that's not going to take place. The Lecture starts, and from the topic on duscussion I hope against all hope that it won't be a long one, all the while already knowing that agreeing to come in the first place sealed my fate... 45 minutes. 45 of the longest minutes of my life, fighting back tears but feeling them defiantly leaking down my face anyways, dreading the next thing to be said, knowing that it would force more hot confusion out of my eyes, and all the while I'm anticipating how much longer until I could just leave him and go somewhere else to cry freely and peacefully on my own...
I hate that man. I hate too many people these days, I know, but I still hate him. Why can't he just accept the fact that I will do this on my own, and that I don't tell people my problems with life because I don't want their input?!?!?!???! Even my seminary teacher understands this- he backs off because he knows I want to deal with this alone; but no, my very own bishop won't give me any space to live my life my own way, even if "The Lord" has certain concerns about me... Mother fucker, I don't give a shit. I mean, "man's proudest privelege is to go to Hell in his own way," so let me use my own roads to go wherever the hell I want!
Holy crap, I'm pissed. I don't know if you could tell, but I'm just a little irritated right now. But, I'm not going to edit anything, because that's how I really feel, and I'm so sick of faking it all the time these days.
"Now Lisa, I want this to be a real conversation we're about to have," but judging from what happens in the next few minutes I can already tell that that's not going to take place. The Lecture starts, and from the topic on duscussion I hope against all hope that it won't be a long one, all the while already knowing that agreeing to come in the first place sealed my fate... 45 minutes. 45 of the longest minutes of my life, fighting back tears but feeling them defiantly leaking down my face anyways, dreading the next thing to be said, knowing that it would force more hot confusion out of my eyes, and all the while I'm anticipating how much longer until I could just leave him and go somewhere else to cry freely and peacefully on my own...
I hate that man. I hate too many people these days, I know, but I still hate him. Why can't he just accept the fact that I will do this on my own, and that I don't tell people my problems with life because I don't want their input?!?!?!???! Even my seminary teacher understands this- he backs off because he knows I want to deal with this alone; but no, my very own bishop won't give me any space to live my life my own way, even if "The Lord" has certain concerns about me... Mother fucker, I don't give a shit. I mean, "man's proudest privelege is to go to Hell in his own way," so let me use my own roads to go wherever the hell I want!
Holy crap, I'm pissed. I don't know if you could tell, but I'm just a little irritated right now. But, I'm not going to edit anything, because that's how I really feel, and I'm so sick of faking it all the time these days.
Saturday, October 29
families- most particularly mine
I hate my family. Can I just say that?? I hate my family! ...Well, okay, I don't exactly hate them... I just get really irritated and angry with what they do to me. Yes- TO me. Just all of their insensitive use of me and my emotions- they're so distant... they don't want to know me themselves. It's like they're sick of my teenage emotional tendencies and they only keep me around to see what more work they can get out of me before I take my leave to make the better of my life...
So, as you can most likely tell, my family's been enangering me lately. One reason, probably the most noticeable to me, is that they are so cold and insensitive towards me all the time. Like, for example, I got home from Shakespeare Competitions after having been away from them for 3 days, and what do they do?? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All they ask me is, "Did you win anything?? [Because I want to know if you won something so that I can take all your glory and say that I spent SO much time working with you, when really I didn't, because I am just too self-absorbed with myself, and then I won't have to worry about paying for college for you anymore]..." Bleahhhh. "Did you win anything". That's all they ask. They don't even have the decency to say, "I love you", "I'm so glad you're back", "I missed you so much", or anything of the sort- just "Did you win anything", and it makes me feel so... used. Used to bring glory and attention to them. And feeling used is not a good sort of feeling. Which brings me to my point: I don't feel loved when I'm around my family. I feel used. Synthesis of this analysis: one feasible reason for me to hate my family.
Another thing I feel when I'm around my family is that I'm not really part of the family at all- I'm just there. No one really asks me anything- it's always just "Oh, I'll tell Lisa this and this because she's a good listener. And because I just have to tell someone right this minute and not care about their problems at all." Which is how I feel. Like nobody cares. Their solution to this problem: involve the YW leaders. Make them take care of it. Make them find out what's going on in her life and then have them tell me. Well, FYI, in case you forgot or something, I've been having major issues with the YW leaders in general, and getting them more involved in my "life" as they know it will only make things worse for me. Bleaahhh. That makes me feel good, let me tell ya. *rolls eyes*...
Besides, it's not like they'd even let me tell them anything anyways. All that ever happens when I start talking is nothing, because it never happens. I never get the chance to say anything because I'm interrupted. I probably sound really selfish right now saying that I'm not getting enough attention, but it's true. I really don't. Not that I want it or anything, but it's the thought that counts. But, like I've said before- I'm too selfless, and when people start talking over me, I let them for fear of seeming too selfish. But, too many years of neglect and interruptions made me that way. Doesn't that give me a right to be angry at my family? I think so, which is one of the reasons that I hate them. But will I ever tell them this?? ...Probably never.
Don't ask me why I'm writing this- you just need to know that I had to vent. There are more reasons for my feeling this way, but these were the most sensitive to me at the moment. I'm enangered, and nobody knows it... bleaaahh.
So, as you can most likely tell, my family's been enangering me lately. One reason, probably the most noticeable to me, is that they are so cold and insensitive towards me all the time. Like, for example, I got home from Shakespeare Competitions after having been away from them for 3 days, and what do they do?? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All they ask me is, "Did you win anything?? [Because I want to know if you won something so that I can take all your glory and say that I spent SO much time working with you, when really I didn't, because I am just too self-absorbed with myself, and then I won't have to worry about paying for college for you anymore]..." Bleahhhh. "Did you win anything". That's all they ask. They don't even have the decency to say, "I love you", "I'm so glad you're back", "I missed you so much", or anything of the sort- just "Did you win anything", and it makes me feel so... used. Used to bring glory and attention to them. And feeling used is not a good sort of feeling. Which brings me to my point: I don't feel loved when I'm around my family. I feel used. Synthesis of this analysis: one feasible reason for me to hate my family.
Another thing I feel when I'm around my family is that I'm not really part of the family at all- I'm just there. No one really asks me anything- it's always just "Oh, I'll tell Lisa this and this because she's a good listener. And because I just have to tell someone right this minute and not care about their problems at all." Which is how I feel. Like nobody cares. Their solution to this problem: involve the YW leaders. Make them take care of it. Make them find out what's going on in her life and then have them tell me. Well, FYI, in case you forgot or something, I've been having major issues with the YW leaders in general, and getting them more involved in my "life" as they know it will only make things worse for me. Bleaahhh. That makes me feel good, let me tell ya. *rolls eyes*...
Besides, it's not like they'd even let me tell them anything anyways. All that ever happens when I start talking is nothing, because it never happens. I never get the chance to say anything because I'm interrupted. I probably sound really selfish right now saying that I'm not getting enough attention, but it's true. I really don't. Not that I want it or anything, but it's the thought that counts. But, like I've said before- I'm too selfless, and when people start talking over me, I let them for fear of seeming too selfish. But, too many years of neglect and interruptions made me that way. Doesn't that give me a right to be angry at my family? I think so, which is one of the reasons that I hate them. But will I ever tell them this?? ...Probably never.
Don't ask me why I'm writing this- you just need to know that I had to vent. There are more reasons for my feeling this way, but these were the most sensitive to me at the moment. I'm enangered, and nobody knows it... bleaaahh.
Thursday, October 27
Friday, October 21
people in general
Some people really bother me. And others are really cool. Some are completely the opposite of my personality, and others match mine perfectly. But what's the difference? What makes people so different from each other that I can love some to death and loathe others with a passion?
Sometimes people can seem so single-minded. It's like they cannot accept the way other people think, or else they just don't understand. But why? Why is it that people can't see things differently?? It bothers me so much the way that single-minded people are. I saw a picture today with a quote on it that said, "Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood." People don't have to be so ignorant... if only they would just take the g.d. TIME out of their single-minded day to listen to those around them!! Sheesh!
Then there's those kinds of people who think the world revolves around them. They think that if they're not right, NOBODY'S right. Things always have to go their way or they throw a pissyfit! My favorite example is people and their music. If they don't like the style of music, they bitch and complain so loudly about "how horrible this terrible music is" until you can't hear the music anymore because of their complaints, so you change the music to what they want just so that you don't have to listen to them anymore... AAHHH! It bothers me SO BAD!! I just want to like, you know, rip their heads off or SOMETHING, just so that they would shut up and learn to deal with it. Because in life, you WON'T ALWAYS GET THINGS YOUR WAY!! So learn it now before you have to learn it the hard way...
There's also people who think the world belongs to them- anything they see that they like is fair game, even if it's somebody else's. For example, not to point any fingers or anything *cheezy wink*, my sister keeps going in my room and taking all my clothes, my jewelry, my perfumes, my makeup, my shoes, etc. and uses it until it needs washing or until it breaks or she just plain loses it and THEN she tells me that she took it. People need privacy- it's human nature. But when someone disrupts that sanctuary of personal privacy by taking what's not theirs, it disrupts the peace and can cause some serious problems, such as hate, loathing, revenge, paranoia, hate, and loathing, up until the point of complete loss of trust. But these communistic people just don't see what's wrong with using everything within reach, and I don't know why. What ever happened to asking permission, or being polite and just leaving other people's stuff alone??? I don't know. And it's getting on my nerves why people just don't see.
People are funny things. Who knows why some are misunderstanding in so many different ways?? I surely don't, but I'm open to any solutions... bring it on people, I'm interested to know. *sits down and waits patiently*
Sometimes people can seem so single-minded. It's like they cannot accept the way other people think, or else they just don't understand. But why? Why is it that people can't see things differently?? It bothers me so much the way that single-minded people are. I saw a picture today with a quote on it that said, "Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood." People don't have to be so ignorant... if only they would just take the g.d. TIME out of their single-minded day to listen to those around them!! Sheesh!
Then there's those kinds of people who think the world revolves around them. They think that if they're not right, NOBODY'S right. Things always have to go their way or they throw a pissyfit! My favorite example is people and their music. If they don't like the style of music, they bitch and complain so loudly about "how horrible this terrible music is" until you can't hear the music anymore because of their complaints, so you change the music to what they want just so that you don't have to listen to them anymore... AAHHH! It bothers me SO BAD!! I just want to like, you know, rip their heads off or SOMETHING, just so that they would shut up and learn to deal with it. Because in life, you WON'T ALWAYS GET THINGS YOUR WAY!! So learn it now before you have to learn it the hard way...
There's also people who think the world belongs to them- anything they see that they like is fair game, even if it's somebody else's. For example, not to point any fingers or anything *cheezy wink*, my sister keeps going in my room and taking all my clothes, my jewelry, my perfumes, my makeup, my shoes, etc. and uses it until it needs washing or until it breaks or she just plain loses it and THEN she tells me that she took it. People need privacy- it's human nature. But when someone disrupts that sanctuary of personal privacy by taking what's not theirs, it disrupts the peace and can cause some serious problems, such as hate, loathing, revenge, paranoia, hate, and loathing, up until the point of complete loss of trust. But these communistic people just don't see what's wrong with using everything within reach, and I don't know why. What ever happened to asking permission, or being polite and just leaving other people's stuff alone??? I don't know. And it's getting on my nerves why people just don't see.
People are funny things. Who knows why some are misunderstanding in so many different ways?? I surely don't, but I'm open to any solutions... bring it on people, I'm interested to know. *sits down and waits patiently*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
