so we're having a going-away partay for Jessy before she goes to nationals. and we just went down to the lake and buried stuff for fun while fighting off an enormous army of mosquitoes. and when we finally climbed back up the hill, there was the sheriff pulling out from behind my car.
I get so freaking paranoid when I drive with people in my car. I'm afraid that somehow someone will be stupid or I'll get distratcted and I'll lose my licence or someone will die and I'll be guilty for the rest of my life. and now with the sheriff singling out my car tonight, I'm afraid as hell. I don't want to lose my friends- they're my life; I don't want to lose my licence- it gives me so much freedom... and yet so much restraint as well. but I like it, more than I like having no car.
I hate it, this feeling inside of me. and I'm sitting here at Marisa's house freaking out and nobody cares to look, or wonder, or even ask if I'm okay. ...okay okay, so they did when I said that I was freaking out... but still, it bothers me that there was no second thought about it on their part. I'm a new driver, and still a kid; things scare me. I need a hug right now- one of the kind that eminate the feeling of, "everything will be all right; shhhh, you're safe now; don't worry," and I don't want it to ever end, ever.
I hate when I'm feeling all alone and afraid. and I find that I'm feeling it more and more often. I hate it. I loathe it. I loathe me when I'm feeling this way. I loathe me.
Tuesday, June 28
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