Sunday, December 31

unforgettable presence

"I guess we wish it would all change and that it could go like it does in our head.

Sort of rehearsed but meaningful and deep.

And when her blue eyes are flashing across the table it would all be what the writers and picture shows says it is.


Like the moment never ends. And maybe it doesn't, but only if two people remember it and live in it, otherwise it's forgotten and no one cares except the poor miserable one who hangs onto the nothingness he doesn't know he has.

And the story is written differently, it won't follow my pen. I'm just an underpaid actor and a lousy one at that, who likes to rehearse his lines in monotone cadence that smells like burnt hair, and children laugh while their parents send mean looks to keep them quiet so as not to embarass the ass who goes home at night and cusses at himself on the inside for not seeing reality.

But if he saw reality then he might not put odd words together, or sad ones or happy ones, that don't seem to make sense, but somehow say more than anything that has spoken to them or at them and doesn't remember their name.

You think you know someone by their words, when you hear or read what they say. But I think you know someone more when in their presence you let them be and you listen in the silence to each other's being.

It is then you begin to know someone, when their glow is what makes you smile, it's what makes you say "I want more of that".

People like to call that peace, but people like to give names to things that don't need names.

No, it's more than peace. Peace is a state. What I'm talking about is a person's very essence. And it speaks louder than words.

Because who a person is can be heard in their silence.

You can hear a person's deepest thoughts if you are quiet enough and listen closely.

We see things never seen before in someone's presence.

You might even hear your self, but we often dismiss it as white noise.

If only we knew ourselves more, maybe there would be more friends in the world. Ones that let others be, not in leaving them alone or never saying they're wrong, but allowing them to be their being.

Presences do things..."

~Ross Gale~

Sunday, October 1

here I am doods. have at

L: Loved by everyone.
I: Loves everyone.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
A: Easy to hang with.

A: Easy to hang with.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: Loyal to those you love.
O: Best in bed.
N: Dead sexy.


A: Easy to hang with.
B: Likes people.
C: Is wild and crazy.
D: Has one of the best personalities ever.
E: A damn good kisser.
F: People adore you.
G: Never let people tell you what to do.
H: Have a very good personality and looks.
I: Loves everyone.
J: Lives life for fun.
K: Really silly.
L: Loved by everyone.
M: Makes dating fun.
N: Dead sexy.
O: Best in bed.
P: Popular with all types of people.
Q: A hypocrite.
R: Frickin crazy.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: Loyal to those you love.
U: Really likes to chill.
V: Not judgemental.
W: Very broad minded.
X: Never let people tell you what to do.
Y: One of the best damn bf/gf anyone could ask for.
Z: Always ready.

Sunday, September 17

what is there left to do?

How can you tell truth from lies? Is there a common indicator from which we can gauge? I listen for tone of voice, I watch how the eyes shift, how the cheeks twitch, or how the neck pulsates. But even that can be misread. The words that dance off people's tongues, that slide soft off cold lips, how do we know?

For years tobacco companies hid the truth, understating the dangers of their lucrative product. Addictive? Unhealthy? They shrug their shoulders.

What about governments? How even the fragment of power can twist and mangle words into lies. Money? Disaster? They shake their heads.

Even the mob mentality, or the popular hysteria, the rash frenzy can sweep away truth from words. Here drink this Kool-Aid, jump off this cliff, sniff this dust. Murder? No heaven? They don't blink.

Your closest friend. "I will be there for you." Betrayal? Hurt? They wave it away.

Trust. No I don't trust. Your mouth moves and I watch for lies. I pass you by in the street and grip my wallet, hold my breath along the dark, stuff away my hands so I cannot be bitten.

I hold back my words, even the true ones. The ones that let you know me. You see a glimpse, but you don't know, you can't know. Because the truth is precious, it's fragile, it's power. What do you do with power? It is a gift, this truth. Don't take it for granted.

I watch your words for this gift. So that maybe, I can hold them, feel them between my fingers, run them over my skin, but they don't wander like feathers, because the truth of your words are solid as a rock, on its foundation is built freedom.

But how do I know you speak the truth? Can I take your word for it? Because what if your words were lies and you didn't know it? What if your philosophy, your belief, everything was a lie? What then? Can I trust your words? Can I really?

Do I know how to read myself? What if the words that flutter from my mouth fall flat and I don't see?

How then do I know?

Damn me if I tell you lies. Do not listen to a word I say if I don't speak the truth. Words are too valuable to be cheapened. Too valuable to be thrown around. Find and seek the truth, and treasure it with your life.

-Ross Gale-

Sunday, August 20

crying my eyes out

...why doesn't it stop??

Thursday, August 17

my mouth hurts :P

I'm sorry people if I seem angry at you lately... I don't mean to, getting your wisdom teeth out sucks major balls; I really do love you all, like really a lot!! ...just so's ya know... I'm so sorry ppl <3 <3

Monday, August 7


Its finally happened. I've given up. My favorite vacation spot- I feel like I'm abandoning it... and all for.. what?? Well, for one, a week home alone without my family... but its like I've finally decided to take steps on my own to accomplish what I want, not what my parents want. But I'm giving up on my fondest passions just to gain a little of nothing, it seems. My Lake Powell, my sanctuary, is gone. And still the indecision haunts me daily, making me feel like nothing really has been gained at all.

Its lonely, this feeling of being so lost and undecided. I don't know how I feel about making my own way in the world anymore- taking my own path- in doing so, I will always be alone...

Tuesday, July 4

I have returned...

so guys, I'm back. and things aren't as bad as I thought they would be. in fact, I can't wait until I go back to SUU for freaking COLLEGE man!! these past 10 days have been some of the most fun and life changing I've ever experienced...

it's good to know that there are people out there who have the power and the motivation to change the world for good, and I learned so much from all of them and what they showed me; I love them all.

guys, there actually is stuff in this world worth living and fighting for- let's get up and make it all worth while!!!

Tuesday, June 20

well here goes guys- i'm taking the next step into my future.

...but you know, strangely it doesn't seem like my future that i'm stepping into: it only feels like the steps i'm taking are being forced upon me- i'm a prisoner being led down a path that i don't want to travel. and the ones in charge of my arrest: my parents.

sure, it was my idea in the first place, but no parental support at the start kind of dashed my hopes to begin with. and now they're only doing it for the money. they don't wanna have to bother with college tuition for me... "go earn that scholarship" they're telling me, and what i hear is "i'm paying for this now so i won't have to later". yup, that's a real confidence booster, lemme tell ya.

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i actually stopped caring about what they thought; what i would do with myself if my confidence were not dependent on their emotional support over my decisions. i know i could go far, farther than anything they're expecting out of me. ...and yet, not as far as they'd hoped. i wanna travel a road that goes where I want it to go, but their opinion of that particular road is so emotionally discouraging.

i'm a hopeless case. apparently i have the potential to go far, and i know it, but to be shunned and put down on all of my own choices and dreams makes one become rather heartless, and passion begins to drain til only a handful remains. the hope is still there but desire is lost somewhere along the roadside- can't you see it? it's waving goodbye in the rearview mirror and the only thing that keeps you going is the chain around your hands, pulling where you first let it touch, tighter and tighter, until it pulls you off your utopian road, dragging you places you never would have touched otherwise.

yes, this is me. my hands are tied, and my heart's not free. ...who knows where i'll find myself in the end?

Sunday, April 30

stand by your freaking ron, man

I've put myself in a position where supposed rumors are constantly flying around me, plugging my eyes and ears and confusing me beyond all point of reason... I am so sick of being talked about. People, if you have a freaking problem with me, just tell it to my face- please don't spread it around the world first! So many things have happened recently that I am not afraid to take what you have to say- nothing can be too hard for me to take these days, and if it is, I'll at least listen to what you have to say and then leave before I freak out! I will listen to you, so talk to me. And if you have anything you're wondering about me, please don't be afraid to ask me about it, okay? I'm up for anything, anything to get away from everything that isn't true.

LOVE YOU, people, ...but sometimes... gar...

Friday, March 10

...just the girl next door

Small town homecoming queen
She's the star in this scene
There's no way to deny she's lovley
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside she's ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk- I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her

She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk- I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh, and I'm just the girl next door

I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else

She is the prom queen- I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader- I'm sitting in the stands
I get a little bit- she gets a little more
Shes Miss America and... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...

Tuesday, January 24

foreign emotions

What shall I think? What shall I do? --two things which are interrelated very closely. What use is thought without action, or action without thought? In the beginning there was action and then came thought. Now I need action. It has been a long time since I have done anything but think. Thought after thought, and no action comes from any of this. Now I can think no more. What good is all my thinking without action? I am not alone in this world. I almost feel as if I don't have the right to think further before I have done something. It is as if a voice within me were saying, "You have no right to think while your body is at rest." But what can I do? I am hemmed in on all sides, like a bird in a cage. Where should I go? Where should I turn? Every day that I am idle I feel pain inside of me. I have already tried a few things, but none of them helped. There are always my parents, who by their excessive watchfulness hinder my every act and accomplishment. Thus I am imprisoned on all sides, and time is ceaselessly running out, and I can do nothing.
-Moshe Flinker