well here goes guys- i'm taking the next step into my future.
...but you know, strangely it doesn't seem like my future that i'm stepping into: it only feels like the steps i'm taking are being forced upon me- i'm a prisoner being led down a path that i don't want to travel. and the ones in charge of my arrest: my parents.
sure, it was my idea in the first place, but no parental support at the start kind of dashed my hopes to begin with. and now they're only doing it for the money. they don't wanna have to bother with college tuition for me... "go earn that scholarship" they're telling me, and what i hear is "i'm paying for this now so i won't have to later". yup, that's a real confidence booster, lemme tell ya.
sometimes i wonder what would happen if i actually stopped caring about what they thought; what i would do with myself if my confidence were not dependent on their emotional support over my decisions. i know i could go far, farther than anything they're expecting out of me. ...and yet, not as far as they'd hoped. i wanna travel a road that goes where I want it to go, but their opinion of that particular road is so emotionally discouraging.
i'm a hopeless case. apparently i have the potential to go far, and i know it, but to be shunned and put down on all of my own choices and dreams makes one become rather heartless, and passion begins to drain til only a handful remains. the hope is still there but desire is lost somewhere along the roadside- can't you see it? it's waving goodbye in the rearview mirror and the only thing that keeps you going is the chain around your hands, pulling where you first let it touch, tighter and tighter, until it pulls you off your utopian road, dragging you places you never would have touched otherwise.
yes, this is me. my hands are tied, and my heart's not free. ...who knows where i'll find myself in the end?
Tuesday, June 20
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