mistrust and betrayal

How do you tell someone close to you that you just don't trust them and there's no possible way that you ever will or ever can?? This question posed in my mind while talking to my sister yesterday. Every other time that I've told her anything, the whole world knew about it within the hour. And, quite frankly, it's rather irritating. So instead of telling her that I had trust issues with her, I said that the reason I don't tell her anything is because I have issues with my other sister who's quite like her in sharing secrets with the universe.

And today when I get home from church, I'm plagued by questions and accusations that I'm a cutter, all because my sister wanted to get back at me for not trusting her (although that aspect is not known to the rest of my family), and because in sacrament meeting she was sitting next to me and saw that my hand had been injured. Now that I look at it, I guess her grounds of calling me a cutter weren't that farfetched- not because I'm really a cutter (cuz I'm not really a cutter, just so you know), but because last night I was being a stupidhead and not paying attention to what the frick I was doing, and I got my hand caught in the door of The Beast. The tops of my fingers aren't really the tops of my fingers anymore; they've been, like, skinned almost.

But that's not my point. My point is, how do you deal with someone like that?? She bothers me when she tries to intrude upon my life, and then goes shouting lies to the skies about what she doesn't know. And now that this has happened, I get to spend a whole week with her and the rest of my family and their stupid suspicions about me at Lake Powell, starting tomorrow at 7am. Gross. No escapes at all. But hey, at least I'll be at Lake Powell, right? ...right??

Moving On

When I think about my life

I wonder if I will survive

To live to see 25 or will I just fall?

Like all my friends, they just keep dying.

People round me, always crying.

In this place that I like to call my home.

.

Not everybody knows that everybody goes to a better place.

Not everybody knows that everybody could be living their last days.

But the hard times will come, and we'll keep moving on.

We're moving on.

Keep moving on!

.

Life.

Hope.

Truth.

Trust.

Faith.

Pride.

Love.

Lust.

.

On without the things we've lost

But things we've gained we'll take with us.

.

And all I've got are these two hands

To make myself a better man.

I wonder if I'll ever see the end of this.

With all this rain it just keeps falling

On my head and now I'm calling

Out to someone else to help me make it through.

.

Not everybody knows that everybody goes to a better place.

Not everybody knows that everybody could be living their last days.

But the hard times will come, and we'll keep moving on.

We're moving on.

Keep moving on!

.

Life.

Hope.

Truth.

Trust.

Faith.

Pride.

Love.

Lust.

Pain.

Hate.

Lies.

Guilt.

Laugh.

Cry.

Live.

Die.

.

Some friends become enemies,

Some friends become your family.

Make the best with what you're given.

This ain't dying- this is living!

.

Said were movin on

And we've got nothin to prove

To anyone

Cause we'll get through.

Were movin on and on and on and on

And on and on and on and on

And on and on and on and on

And on and on and on and on...

Keep movin on!

.

Life.

Hope.

Truth.

Trust.

Faith.

Pride.

Love.

Lust.

Pain.

Hate.

Lies.

Guilt.

Laugh.

Cry.

Live.

Die.

.

Some friends become enemies,

Some friends become your family!

Make the best with what you're given!

This ain't dying!

This is living!

let it be, baby... let it be...

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people

Living in the world agree,

There will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is

Still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be. Yeah

There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,

There is still a light that shines on me,

Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be.

There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be,

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Movie Night!!

Hey guys, for those of you who haven't already heard, I'm planning to break a little of the summer monotony (plus I told people I would throw a party to watch a certain movie when we were getting our HP6 books...)! WhooO! Saturday the 23, my house, after dinner sometime, just come and bring food (if you want to) and bring anyone you think will want to come that knows me!! I'm excited, and you should be too. We're gonna watch Hitch (pg 13), which is really good, so come even if you've seen it already! Call if you have any questions!! I love you guys!

In Good Company

"...you're a good man, Carter..."

Phhh... never has a movie brought more truth to life. Good things might happen, but most are not meant to stay. Still, memories lay thick on my mind as I look back after watching this movie. For one, the moon caught my eye on the way home tonight, just as it has every night for a while. Tonight, however, I chased it all the way here to my roof where I sit pondering under its gaze. How does the moon survive, traveling the skies, tonight so full and in its prime... and yet so all alone? Even the surrounding stars have friends to shine at. But the moon... the moon has nothing. The man on the moon looks sad, as sad tonight as he has looked for eternity. ...but wherein lies his comfort?

I don't know why, but I can somehow feel my own sadness reflected in that of the moon. I am alone as I sit here on this roof; I have nothing, and I am alone. ...and why?? All because of some stupid badass decision I made. And it still hurts. ...why?? Because I'm dumb; and because I see nearly the same things happening to others around me and I fall back into the hellhole that I've dug for myself by doing the things I've done. Stupid. It's stupid and I know it.

Ha ha, I just saw a shooting star. Ridiculous, I know. ...but:

Wishing you were somehow here again . . .

Knowing we must say goodbye . . .

Try to forgive . . .

Teach me to live . . .

Give me the strength to try . . .

No more memories,

No more silent tears . . .

No more gazing across the wasted years . . .

Help me say goodbye. . .

Help me say goodbye.

I never realized

I went to a barbeque on Saturday. I left with the worst feeling burdening my shoulders, my mind, ...and my heart. Chase is dead. No no, not Chase Chase Brown- Chase Jesperson. I knew him in jr. high and haven't seen him since because he went to Orem High. He was a cool kid, one of those kind that leave an awesome first impression that you never forget. And I haven't forgotten him. And now he's gone.

At the barbeque, my friend who goes to Orem came out and was talking to people, and I overheard their conversation. Chase was at Lake Powell with a bunch of friends, messing around with jetskis on a boat wake; his friend jumped the wake and the jetski hit Chase dead-center on the head, giving him a concussion and brain damage and who knows what else; lifeflight came and took him away and he died in the hospital. He died.

I've been thinking about it a lot since then. He shouldn't have gone. It wasn't his time. It isn't our time either, but who knows how much longer any of us will last?? He had so much he could have shared with the world, with friends and family and other people; but no, that chance is gone now. I never thought about things hard enough to realize how really precious life is. It's such a fragile gift, a fragile experience, and it can be taken away in a flash when we least expect it. Live life to its fullest, people; follow your dreams- chase them to their end, no matter where it takes you. You never know when things will be cut short so that you won't get that opportunity.

I love you all. Don't be stupid and leave me- or anyone else you love- alone. Whatever it is that might take you to those ends- it's not worth it. Drop it and leave it alone. And know this: I love you, I really do. :D

scared out of my wits

I had just woken up this morning and was lying in bed listening to music on my radio, when I heard a knock on my front door. I peeked out my window (just to left of the door) and the first thing I see is a cop car parked in the street and 2 cops standing on my front step!

Holy ship, I have never been that scared in my entire life. I jumped out of bed and dressed as fast as I could, all the while half expecting the cops to burst into my room, guns blazing, to arrest me from what happened down at the lake the other day.

But it never happened. They never came into my room or even asked for my name. And I think I prefer it that way. Instead, shockingly, they asked for my youngest sister, Marci, all because her best "friend" called the cops on her for "calling her house too much and breaking into her email account and changing the password, blah blah", when in actuality on some days she calls our house every five minutes asking if Marci's home yet, and back during the school year it was her breaking into Marci's locker and stealing stuff and leaving cuss messages, etc...

Quite frankly, I don't even know why Marci's stayed friends with her for this long. Well, okay, Marci's written her off at least twice and told her that she doesn't want to be friends anymore, but somehow or another, they always get back together again, only to go through another hate war over and over. I just don't get it. People are dumb.

the summer bore

I think the summer bore has gotten to us all. Yes, I'll admit- even to me. I mean, look at me. I'm still up at 4 in the morning, blogging like I have since, well... 11 am YESTERDAY!!! Shieeesh. But now I'm looking around reading everybody's blogs and all I find is stuff like, "Life sucks. Everyone's dying. I'm so dumb. I miss doing stuff. I want to get away. I hate him/I hate her. Why this/Why that. Blah, blah blah!" We all need to like, have a super major heavy FUN PARTAY with lots of partaying in it to get out of this summer drag!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!

Who is up for a party?? Anyone.....eh, eh?

*clears throat* ...and I'm done now.

my escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly,
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
Is my one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I’m going
Because

I've gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut
That I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I’m begging you,
I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
[They've] told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I’m going
Because

I've gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency
Is something I can’t shake, yeah
I've gotta get outta here
And I’m begging you,
I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I’m going
Because

I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut
That I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging you,
I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape.

I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were you

...So were you

Relient K

haha, there's an ambulence outside my house right now

So, my sisters went to go run my dogs, right, and they do this by putting on rollerblades, harnessing the dogs, saying, "Let's go!" and getting pulled while the dogs run at like 25 mph. Well, as you can already tell, this is quite a dangerous sport, and today just happened to be the day that somebody was hit by a car. ...Well, ok, she actually hit the car instead of the car hitting her.

But still, my idiot neighbors called a cop and an ambulence and a fire engine to come after they'd been sitting on their front lawn laughing at my sister for 15-20 minutes when she hit the car. They're so dumb. Oh, and guess which dog she was getting pulled by!! No no, just guess: ... it was TIKI! Stupidhead.

Ok ok, so I guess I need to give an explanation. Here's how the story goes: so my sisters took off down the street behind the dogs, and when they got to the corner where they usually take a left turn, they bolted right into the street without looking for any cars. Teddy was in the lead, and he pulled out in front of the car, while Tiki, who was behind, ran in behind the car. The car stopped to not hit Teddy and Tiki was so close behind the car that when it stopped, he had to stop too. But as I'm sure a few of you know, it's not that easy to stop on a dime when going 25 mph on a pair of rollerblades.

My sister tripped over the dog and did a face-plant on the side of the car. She hit so hard that she left a face-sized dent in the car door. And finally after my neighbors had gotten themselves together (as you can tell, these aren't nice people (mostly just to our family, cuz we'd had previous problems with them and our dogs... grrrr) I hate them for that, but besides that, they're pretty okay people) they decided to call the cops because there was an "accident" involving a girl and a car, blah blah blah... and now, as you can see, there's an ambulence and a fire engine in front of my house with some pretty hott paramedics in my house checking to see if my sister is okay from face-planting on the car!

heh heh heh....

just trying this out