A Forbidden Blog

Well, guys, this sucks. My dad's forbidden me from blogging anymore. Not that he knows what the heck blogging is or why I go to the sites I do, but he still doesn't want me doing it. Why, do you ask? Well, I'll tell you why. So, we have this thing on my internet that my parents use to keep tabs on all the internet sites that anyone visits on when we get on at home. So, my dad gets on and checks the list of sites that we've been to and the first thing he says is, "WHAT?? 'myfatherisanass'?? Who's been going to that?" And he took it as a personal insult. He keeps reading, "'themanofexquisitepassion'? 'theasiansensation'?" and he assumes that I've been on the internet looking for cyber sex or what not. And so he told me that I was forbidden to go to those sites anymore or even to get on this one because it was on the list too. But, I'm on here at my house anyways blogging again. Although I probly won't be able to go to any of yours anytime soon.

At least, not at my house.... *evil smirk* heh heh heh...

Shut up. I know.

I drop my bag and collapse in a pile of tears. The grass is cold beneath my head, and it cools the burning tears running down my face. I pull my hood over my head to shut me off from the cold, the pain, and from the world. I never meant for it to end this way.

"Lisa, what's the matter? Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."

He must have seen the lie blaring from my eyes like a beacon in the dark.

"What is it? You can tell me. Come on." Then it dawns: "...Do you not like me anymore?"

I hesitate. If you want to put it that way, I think to myself, but it's not exactly how I would have put it. My words are strangled as they come out of my mouth:

"...Yeah. I can't... ...I just can't..."

I just can't. Those words come back to me as I lay on the ground crying, and I shudder: a shudder of pain and regret and a feeling of eternal cold and darkness. The pain in his eyes and face that I see are emblazoned in my mind because of those words, and it rips my heart in two. I hate it when it's my fault that people feel that way. I didn't mean for him to experience that. I... I was just too bitter towards him today. That's it. And I shouldn't have been. It was too much, probably for the both of us.

But, I argue with myself, I needed my LIFE back. It was all for the good, you'll see. Just think of what you told Jessy today. She understood. You should too.

I know, but I thought that it would all be over as soon as I told him that! I didn't expect that I would feel worse than I did. He's on my mind even more than before. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen. Sheesh.

Don't worry, everything will be all right in the end, you'll see.

A fresh wave of tears begins to burn in my eyes and run down my face as I realize that I know I did what was best for me.


...I wish I could cry on my own shoulder.

The many colors of ...my hair??

Sheesh, when do you ever see titles like that one? Oh, right, on my blog. Heh heh, heh. *clears throat* anyways, so, yeah. My hair changes color. Is that not weird or what? But it does. I think it has something to do with the different shampoos that I use. Like, this one time, I started using a whole brand new, uh... brand that I hadn't ever used before, and I went to school the next day and my best friend was like, "Hey Lisa, did you dye your hair darker??" and I was like, "....nnnoooo... why do you ask?" and she was like, "I just looks a whole lot darker. Weird." And then, like, recently I used a different shampoo just once and I went to like Holly's house the next day or maybe it was the same day... I dunno, but she was like, "Hey Lisa, did you get your hair lightened?" and I was like, "...nnoooo..." but she said that it looked lighter and so I was confuzzled. But, I just barely took a shower and used that same shampoo and my hair really is lighter, and it's weird. I don't know how I snort about this. It's kinda kewl, but it's really kinda not. Cuz like, now my hair is a different color than my eyebrows. And it really doesn't look good. So, I am thinking that I will not use that shampoop anymore. Yeah.

M&Ms are so addicting. Seriously. Once you pop, you just can't stop.

I have really bad diction. No, really. Like, when I'm not trying to talk or I'm not in the mood to talk or if I'm talking to someone I don't really care to talk to or if I'm talking to someone I'm really comfortable around, I start to slurr my words and my diction just disappears. Is that not weird or what?? And the thing is, I've noticed it a lot recently. Yeah. But it's kinda fun. To like, not care about how you talk. Yep.

Torn

So, here I am sitting here in multimedia. Yes, I'm doing stuff against the rules. And you know what?? I don't care. That's it. I don't care. I've noticed that I've been doing that a lot lately, not caring. I used to care so efffffing much that I drove myself crazy. But the thing is, I've changed. My whole lifestyle has changed and I am torn, torn in so many aspects, torn between what my heart is wanting me to do, and what my mind is telling me I should do.

For one: the rules. The efffing rules. I break so many and so often, but it's gotten to be my way of keeping myself alive. Yes, you heard me: ALIVE. So many things have gone so grossly wrong that I can't stand to keep to the things that have in the end betrayed me and gone against all that I thought was possible.

I went driving on wednesday. Uh huh, DRIVING. It was snowing and the road was icy. But I went driving. Five friends in the car, sliding on the road, blood pumping loud music, knowing that I'm too young, ditching YWs, feeling so misunderstood, and all because of the rules. The decieving stupid effing rules. The deception, the lies, the hate all burn inside my head as I scream, scream my lungs out at the world. The tears running down my face show only an invisibly small piece of what I'm feeling inside. People just don't understand. They don't understand and I hate them for it. They all had to go and blow it way out of porportion; too many people know; no one knows exactically what I know, no one feels what I feel, and I hate it. Why can't they all just go away, get torn down from their "authority" and get the feeling of embarrassment that I have felt because of their actions?? Why? ...Then, and only then, if then, if they even have a heart, can they understand. But no, they're too proud, so proud that they just can't admit that they're wrong and lower themselves down to see what I see and feel what I feel.

I run away from them; I run away from their "rules", the same rules that have supposedly protected me all my life but that have now wholly and completely destroyed it. My life is gone. Gone in their lying words and rules and gone in the new part of me that is slowly learning that I can't go on as I have, I just can't. It's now impossible. I can't obey, I can't stop moving forward, away from what I've known. Pain, such pain. Body and spirit. Torn apart. Torn.

I am now the deciever. I am, and there's no stopping me. Stopping would mean confessions, pain, bringing the truth about my hatred to light, letting out all the emotions that are tied up inside of me because of their lies, and I know that it will not be pretty. I hide away the truth of my life from everyone I know and everyone I love because I don't need anyone else to get hurt. I decieve them because I don't want anyone else to get hurt the way I have. I know what it feels like, and no one should ever have to feel this way, never.

Never... the word hits me hard and I know that my never is gone, gone behind me in a swirl of lies that will never subside, never. My never is gone.

Mmmmhmm!!

Yeah... this was before, AND AFTER!! Yummy, so good...

Once upon a broken heart
I was walking alone in the dark
Looking for a way to start again
What I wouldn't give for a friend
There was no love in my life
There was no light in my eyes
All the tears that I had cried and cried
Seemed like they'd never end

And I never believed fairytales came true
But now I know that they really do
Now that I found you, now that I'm here with you
Just look at the sunshine, and you
Showed me a world
That I'd never seen
I woke up and fell into this dream
Happily ever after just took time
Once upon this broken heart of mine

Long ago and far away
I could never dream of the day
That your love would come my way and stay
And sweep me away and I

Never believed fairytales came true
But now I know that they really do
Now that I found you, now that I'm here with you
Just look at the sunshine, and you
Showed me a world
That I'd never seen
I woke up and fell into this dream
Happily ever after just took time
Once upon this broken heart of mine

This is the way a fairytale feels
This is the way I know it's real
'Cause this is the way a broken heart heals

And I never believed fairytales came true
But now I know that they really do
Now that I found you, now that I'm here with you
Just look at the sunshine, and you
Showed me a world
That I'd never seen
I woke up and fell into this dream
Happily ever after just took time
Once upon this broken heart of mine

He's Back!! :D

A hug! A simple hug was all it took to get my heart racing and my blood pumping... *sigh of delight* Duh, I love him. I love him and I know it.

"...love has given me wings so I must fly..."

-A Knight's Tale

Hhhmmm... now that's interesting...

My Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I hate it! I hate it!! I want him so hard. Why does he have to be gone??

K, let me start this one out by saying that my cousin is a whore. No, let me say it different: he's a whore slut! So, I went over to his house so I could talk to my friend that was watching a movie there, and it turns out that her boyfriend was there too. He had to go, and so I was left to watch the movie ...and, unfortunately, my cousin and my friend. It was sick. He's sick. He has this strange attachment to girls that he thinks is way cool and so fun, but in reality, it's sickening to the people who are not taking part in it: meaning me. I, man, I dunno, I am so disgusted with him. He's such a cool kid when he's not around other girls, but he just changes and tries to be something he's not. Not fun at all. I tried to leave, but neither of them wanted me to go. So, I was left to sit there and watch their grosser than gross physical attachment to each other -when they're both dedicated to others and they're both too young, which is just sick.

I just don't know how to explain how I feel right now. I feel ...sick, as in nauseated, but not quite nauseated... and then after all this, I keep on thinking of mine. My head aches, my heart aches. I wonder why he's not here and why I can't be with him, and there's this ...longing...

I feel broken. Broken in two. I want to be with him but he's not here. Gone. Alone. Broken. There's an empty space inside of me that burns, burns with jealosy, love, fear, alone, cold, black. And it burns. Deep in my heart. I want him so hard. But, at present:

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah,-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's screwed up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...