Tuesday, January 11

Torn

So, here I am sitting here in multimedia. Yes, I'm doing stuff against the rules. And you know what?? I don't care. That's it. I don't care. I've noticed that I've been doing that a lot lately, not caring. I used to care so efffffing much that I drove myself crazy. But the thing is, I've changed. My whole lifestyle has changed and I am torn, torn in so many aspects, torn between what my heart is wanting me to do, and what my mind is telling me I should do.

For one: the rules. The efffing rules. I break so many and so often, but it's gotten to be my way of keeping myself alive. Yes, you heard me: ALIVE. So many things have gone so grossly wrong that I can't stand to keep to the things that have in the end betrayed me and gone against all that I thought was possible.

I went driving on wednesday. Uh huh, DRIVING. It was snowing and the road was icy. But I went driving. Five friends in the car, sliding on the road, blood pumping loud music, knowing that I'm too young, ditching YWs, feeling so misunderstood, and all because of the rules. The decieving stupid effing rules. The deception, the lies, the hate all burn inside my head as I scream, scream my lungs out at the world. The tears running down my face show only an invisibly small piece of what I'm feeling inside. People just don't understand. They don't understand and I hate them for it. They all had to go and blow it way out of porportion; too many people know; no one knows exactically what I know, no one feels what I feel, and I hate it. Why can't they all just go away, get torn down from their "authority" and get the feeling of embarrassment that I have felt because of their actions?? Why? ...Then, and only then, if then, if they even have a heart, can they understand. But no, they're too proud, so proud that they just can't admit that they're wrong and lower themselves down to see what I see and feel what I feel.

I run away from them; I run away from their "rules", the same rules that have supposedly protected me all my life but that have now wholly and completely destroyed it. My life is gone. Gone in their lying words and rules and gone in the new part of me that is slowly learning that I can't go on as I have, I just can't. It's now impossible. I can't obey, I can't stop moving forward, away from what I've known. Pain, such pain. Body and spirit. Torn apart. Torn.

I am now the deciever. I am, and there's no stopping me. Stopping would mean confessions, pain, bringing the truth about my hatred to light, letting out all the emotions that are tied up inside of me because of their lies, and I know that it will not be pretty. I hide away the truth of my life from everyone I know and everyone I love because I don't need anyone else to get hurt. I decieve them because I don't want anyone else to get hurt the way I have. I know what it feels like, and no one should ever have to feel this way, never.

Never... the word hits me hard and I know that my never is gone, gone behind me in a swirl of lies that will never subside, never. My never is gone.

4 comments:

Shexpeare said...

Just chill. Be happy. Don't worry about the rules, just dont hurt people or yourself-

Whitney Lynn said...

omg lisa i never knew u felt like that ur do hidden and self confind lisa who really gives a **** about the rules i mean i've lost all of me and i could honestly careless my never was ripped from my hands when i was really young and what not but lisa it's bad to keep all this emotion inside if ever your felling extremely confused frustered or u just want to talk i'll be ther to listen to u no matter how long it takes k lisa your the coolest friend i have and here just to cheer u up


".......and he ate them all!!!!! Gross huh!"

Shamae. said...

I am super glad to hear that.

I mean, I'm sorry that you're...feeling that way...BUT it kinda makes other people (me) feel less alone. In a weird...sort of way....

wheatable said...

First of all, Lisa, I freakin love you. Or as you say... I EFFING love you.

Dont blame people for who they are or who they are trying to be. You have to give people more credit because they understand MUCH more than you think they do.

I want to tell you a litte story behind how I know these things. Where do suicidal feelings come from? Well, generally you hate yourself, life isnt worth living, and most of all, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. Now, if no one understood, than why are there millions of suicides each year? Dont you think they would understand each other? Your breaking the rules thing is something EVERYONE has experiance with. They dont know just how you think about it- but they really get it. People know what emotions feel like, so why do we think they dont?

Everyone thinks that they are so unique, but if we were able to compair everything, you would be surprised at how much you are just like many people around you. You arent crazy, you arent overly depressed, or some crazy rebel, you are just growing up and EVERYONE is growing up.

Okay, there I go babbling again, but the truth is Lisa, is that you have to give people more credit. If you show them how you feel, you will be shocked at how much they accept it because they have felt the same. For one, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Its okay, you dont have to believe me. I wouldnt believe myself either. Just dont give up on people just yet. They are trying just as hard as you are.

Luff you Lisa. Forever and ever and ever and 20 more evers.