Shut up. I know.

I drop my bag and collapse in a pile of tears. The grass is cold beneath my head, and it cools the burning tears running down my face. I pull my hood over my head to shut me off from the cold, the pain, and from the world. I never meant for it to end this way.

"Lisa, what's the matter? Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."

He must have seen the lie blaring from my eyes like a beacon in the dark.

"What is it? You can tell me. Come on." Then it dawns: "...Do you not like me anymore?"

I hesitate. If you want to put it that way, I think to myself, but it's not exactly how I would have put it. My words are strangled as they come out of my mouth:

"...Yeah. I can't... ...I just can't..."

I just can't. Those words come back to me as I lay on the ground crying, and I shudder: a shudder of pain and regret and a feeling of eternal cold and darkness. The pain in his eyes and face that I see are emblazoned in my mind because of those words, and it rips my heart in two. I hate it when it's my fault that people feel that way. I didn't mean for him to experience that. I... I was just too bitter towards him today. That's it. And I shouldn't have been. It was too much, probably for the both of us.

But, I argue with myself, I needed my LIFE back. It was all for the good, you'll see. Just think of what you told Jessy today. She understood. You should too.

I know, but I thought that it would all be over as soon as I told him that! I didn't expect that I would feel worse than I did. He's on my mind even more than before. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen. Sheesh.

Don't worry, everything will be all right in the end, you'll see.

A fresh wave of tears begins to burn in my eyes and run down my face as I realize that I know I did what was best for me.


...I wish I could cry on my own shoulder.