You've always been a tough girl
But you feel you're about to break
You're feeling stuck and out of luck
Watching your dreams all slip away
You've been working mornings in the kitchen
And nights at the corner store
As your life flies by you wonder why
And you know that there's gotta be something more

Hold on
But don't hold too tight
Let go- it's gonna be alright
Don't run away from what your heart is saying
Ohh
Be strong
Face what you're afraid of
Come on
Show them what you're made of
I know its hard when your hope is gone
But you gotta keep holding on

You hear a voice thats calling
And its telling you to make a change
It's time to fly
And say goodbye
And move on to a better place
You know you gotta take the first step
To get where you wanna be
Just get on track and don't look back
Cause it's the only way you're gonna be free

Hold on
You're gonna make it
You're gonna be stronger
Hold on
Hang in there baby
Just a little bit longer
Hold on
There, you're gonna be fine
Don't give up
Be strong
When the going gets tough
You gotta
Hold on
Hold on

of my own composition

©opyright 2005
Permission given by Lisa Aston

eating my emotions

I haven't been hungry for the past week. In fact, most times I feel overfed, like I've tried to cram something more into my already impossibly full body. And with Thanksgiving having been this week, it was horrible- trying to be polite by helping myself to every food avaliable while at the same time not being hungry in the first place, only to come back after getting over the "overfed" feeling to eat more and feel overfed again... I really don't know why. It's like I'm only eating because it's habit, not because I'm at all hungry, and I make myself sick in the process.

Sheesh! Can't anyone tell me why I feel this way; why I am this way?? I don't want to be this way... and yet I am. ...I am so screwed.

hate ...or something like it

Torture. Absolute torture. Tied to a chair with nowhere to run except for to hide inside these tears streaming down my face...

"Now Lisa, I want this to be a real conversation we're about to have," but judging from what happens in the next few minutes I can already tell that that's not going to take place. The Lecture starts, and from the topic on duscussion I hope against all hope that it won't be a long one, all the while already knowing that agreeing to come in the first place sealed my fate... 45 minutes. 45 of the longest minutes of my life, fighting back tears but feeling them defiantly leaking down my face anyways, dreading the next thing to be said, knowing that it would force more hot confusion out of my eyes, and all the while I'm anticipating how much longer until I could just leave him and go somewhere else to cry freely and peacefully on my own...

I hate that man. I hate too many people these days, I know, but I still hate him. Why can't he just accept the fact that I will do this on my own, and that I don't tell people my problems with life because I don't want their input?!?!?!???! Even my seminary teacher understands this- he backs off because he knows I want to deal with this alone; but no, my very own bishop won't give me any space to live my life my own way, even if "The Lord" has certain concerns about me... Mother fucker, I don't give a shit. I mean, "man's proudest privelege is to go to Hell in his own way," so let me use my own roads to go wherever the hell I want!

Holy crap, I'm pissed. I don't know if you could tell, but I'm just a little irritated right now. But, I'm not going to edit anything, because that's how I really feel, and I'm so sick of faking it all the time these days.

families- most particularly mine

I hate my family. Can I just say that?? I hate my family! ...Well, okay, I don't exactly hate them... I just get really irritated and angry with what they do to me. Yes- TO me. Just all of their insensitive use of me and my emotions- they're so distant... they don't want to know me themselves. It's like they're sick of my teenage emotional tendencies and they only keep me around to see what more work they can get out of me before I take my leave to make the better of my life...

So, as you can most likely tell, my family's been enangering me lately. One reason, probably the most noticeable to me, is that they are so cold and insensitive towards me all the time. Like, for example, I got home from Shakespeare Competitions after having been away from them for 3 days, and what do they do?? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All they ask me is, "Did you win anything?? [Because I want to know if you won something so that I can take all your glory and say that I spent SO much time working with you, when really I didn't, because I am just too self-absorbed with myself, and then I won't have to worry about paying for college for you anymore]..." Bleahhhh. "Did you win anything". That's all they ask. They don't even have the decency to say, "I love you", "I'm so glad you're back", "I missed you so much", or anything of the sort- just "Did you win anything", and it makes me feel so... used. Used to bring glory and attention to them. And feeling used is not a good sort of feeling. Which brings me to my point: I don't feel loved when I'm around my family. I feel used. Synthesis of this analysis: one feasible reason for me to hate my family.

Another thing I feel when I'm around my family is that I'm not really part of the family at all- I'm just there. No one really asks me anything- it's always just "Oh, I'll tell Lisa this and this because she's a good listener. And because I just have to tell someone right this minute and not care about their problems at all." Which is how I feel. Like nobody cares. Their solution to this problem: involve the YW leaders. Make them take care of it. Make them find out what's going on in her life and then have them tell me. Well, FYI, in case you forgot or something, I've been having major issues with the YW leaders in general, and getting them more involved in my "life" as they know it will only make things worse for me. Bleaahhh. That makes me feel good, let me tell ya. *rolls eyes*...

Besides, it's not like they'd even let me tell them anything anyways. All that ever happens when I start talking is nothing, because it never happens. I never get the chance to say anything because I'm interrupted. I probably sound really selfish right now saying that I'm not getting enough attention, but it's true. I really don't. Not that I want it or anything, but it's the thought that counts. But, like I've said before- I'm too selfless, and when people start talking over me, I let them for fear of seeming too selfish. But, too many years of neglect and interruptions made me that way. Doesn't that give me a right to be angry at my family? I think so, which is one of the reasons that I hate them. But will I ever tell them this?? ...Probably never.

Don't ask me why I'm writing this- you just need to know that I had to vent. There are more reasons for my feeling this way, but these were the most sensitive to me at the moment. I'm enangered, and nobody knows it... bleaaahh.

bleeaaahhh

this will be me in about 5 hours if I'm not done with all my

end-O-the-term homework...

people in general

Some people really bother me. And others are really cool. Some are completely the opposite of my personality, and others match mine perfectly. But what's the difference? What makes people so different from each other that I can love some to death and loathe others with a passion?

Sometimes people can seem so single-minded. It's like they cannot accept the way other people think, or else they just don't understand. But why? Why is it that people can't see things differently?? It bothers me so much the way that single-minded people are. I saw a picture today with a quote on it that said, "Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood." People don't have to be so ignorant... if only they would just take the g.d. TIME out of their single-minded day to listen to those around them!! Sheesh!

Then there's those kinds of people who think the world revolves around them. They think that if they're not right, NOBODY'S right. Things always have to go their way or they throw a pissyfit! My favorite example is people and their music. If they don't like the style of music, they bitch and complain so loudly about "how horrible this terrible music is" until you can't hear the music anymore because of their complaints, so you change the music to what they want just so that you don't have to listen to them anymore... AAHHH! It bothers me SO BAD!! I just want to like, you know, rip their heads off or SOMETHING, just so that they would shut up and learn to deal with it. Because in life, you WON'T ALWAYS GET THINGS YOUR WAY!! So learn it now before you have to learn it the hard way...

There's also people who think the world belongs to them- anything they see that they like is fair game, even if it's somebody else's. For example, not to point any fingers or anything *cheezy wink*, my sister keeps going in my room and taking all my clothes, my jewelry, my perfumes, my makeup, my shoes, etc. and uses it until it needs washing or until it breaks or she just plain loses it and THEN she tells me that she took it. People need privacy- it's human nature. But when someone disrupts that sanctuary of personal privacy by taking what's not theirs, it disrupts the peace and can cause some serious problems, such as hate, loathing, revenge, paranoia, hate, and loathing, up until the point of complete loss of trust. But these communistic people just don't see what's wrong with using everything within reach, and I don't know why. What ever happened to asking permission, or being polite and just leaving other people's stuff alone??? I don't know. And it's getting on my nerves why people just don't see.

People are funny things. Who knows why some are misunderstanding in so many different ways?? I surely don't, but I'm open to any solutions... bring it on people, I'm interested to know. *sits down and waits patiently*

carpe diem

Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life
In this world
Divided by fear
We've got to believe that
There's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here...

Oh, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

See the truth, all around
Our faith can be broken
Our hands can be bound
But open our hearts
And fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?...

No, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

We can't go on
Thinking it's wrong to speak our minds
I've got to let out what's inside...

Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, can we get it right?...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives!

bleeaaahhh, I write too formally....

Somme Day

The Battle of the Somme on July 1, 1916 began and ended in major destruction and loss of life. There are many reasons for this, some of them being the most simple mistakes of the war, but they turned out to be the most deadly. There were problems with lack of preparation, lack of armament, faulty equipment, and miscommunication between officers.

The Battle of the Somme was going to be one of the biggest attacks and the largest successive assault against the German line of defense in the trenches in France. Had the Allies been better prepared to fight, the battle would not have gone so awry. As such, Allied preparation was in short supply, new troops being sent in having only 3 days of training or less before their transferral to the Somme. Thus they were not prepared for or aware of the kind of fighting that lay before them, giving one reason why death tolls were so high.

Armament, or rather the lack thereof, was another notable reason why Allied success was unattainable. Many of the troops did not have the proper arms with which to fight and destroy the enemy. Plus, Allied heads of state did not send adequate battery supplies to Somme officials to use in the 3 day bombardment of enemy lines. Because of this, German troops were not as hurt or destroyed as fully as was hoped and planned for prior to the attack on July 1.

The Battle of the Somme was a huge assault against the German lines. It was definitely a show of force - the Allied forces having sent showers of shells for 3 days straight into the German trenches in the heaviest bombardment of the war so far, but it turned out to be woefully inadequate for the kind of assault being planned to follow it. For one, the weather of the previous days refused to allow Allied troops the convenience of aerial eyes to tell exactly how close or how far away their bombardment was from the German lines (accuracy in the first World War was hard to acquire and maintain). For another, quite a notable amount of artillery from British manufacturers turned out to be faulty and would fail in its function, either by breakages in the guns, or the shells’ failure to explode at the moment of impact on enemy lines. Thus, far less damage was acquired for Allied success than was required for this attack to be a success, in the end increasing the death toll for all Allied forces.

Miscommunication was another major factor of the death tolls in the Battle of the Somme. Officials did not have enough discussion about what would happen and what action would be taken for any and all different fighting situations. All that was planned for were successes on the battlefield, not a massacre of nearly all troops and divisions. As such, reinforcements of troops were continuously sent out after each other, victories being assumed and assumptions made that the divisions would need reinforcements to help sustain and gain more control of the enemy trenches. Instead, the result was that more and more waves of Allied troops were being sent to their deaths on German machine guns and shells - unknown to them because of the lack of information being sent back to headquarters and the lack of communication between those officers.

This battle at the Somme needn’t have been so bloody or deadly. There were so many things that could have been done better or differently that would have changed the outcome of the battle, but by happenstance they instead put everyone involved in more danger than was necessary. As such, more than 100,000 men died that day because of a great lack of Allied enthusiasm in areas such as preparation, armament, munitions, and communication, for winning this battle.

SHAKESPEARE!!!

Oh I so happy! Going to Shakespeare tomorrow!! Yes. Sooooo goo-! Wow. I am so excited I don't know what to write. Such exhileration. *pauses* *doobie* ...And down to my point: why I like Shakespeare!! wOOt. K, here goes:

Shakespeare, one of the greatest playwrights in the world- this weekend celebrated by hundreds of high school students coming together in one city to compete by performing his works. Excitement fills my veins knowing that I will be one of them, one of the many people competing for glory in Shakespeare's world, performing my heart out for so many others to see. But Shakespeare isn't all of it... is it? There are so many reasons for going down there, and Shakespeare is only ONE of them...

One reason I do go down there is for the shows that we see. Ahhh, the shows... They are totally awesome down in Cedar City!! Last year I totally went down again to see Macbeth AGAIN after we got back with the english students and whatnot. It was awesome! Plus to get to see different people's interpretations of Shakespeare's works during the rounds is cool too- it gives insight sometimes that I most likely haven't thought of before... Man, we ROCK! Like, everyone who goes there to perform Shakespeare!! wOOt.

One of my favorite reasons for going down to Cedar City during Shakespeare is that I get to spend a whole 3 days with cool people, such as my friends (both actors AND techies!! whoooo!)- that means you guys. You rawk my world! I love you, SO HARD!! And being with cool people for that long of time makes me so happy! *sigh* ...So goo-! Ahhhh... I'm still so excited for tomorrow!!

But, I think that my most favorite or maybe second favorite (I can't decide between this reason or the one mentioned above) reason for going down there is so that I can get away- get away from this hell-hole known as Orem, Utah. The city, the landscape, the school, the people, the consistant Mormonists... they all get so bland and annoying ALL THE TIME! Going down to Cedar City gets me away from everything and everyone that I need that break from, and I love it lots. It's one of my favorite excuses for getting out of the house!! DUH! I love SHAKESPEARE!! Plus the fact that I absolutely LOVE everyone that DOES go down to Shakespeare only makes things SO MUCH BETTER!! WHOOOOOOOO!

HOORAY FOR SHAKESPEARE!!!

a step too far

Selflessness. To some people, it's a rather desirable and respected trait to have. Apparently I have it- I've been told so. But apparently I also have too much- I'm too selfless. I put others first too often before I look at what the ending result will do to me.

Ever since I was told this, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Just the situation I was in and all the things that were (and still are) going on... that comment hit me hard. But as I look around at my life, I realize that it's true. Too often lately I've found myself in pain and emotionally hurting because I just can't help being so selfless. I spend so much time dwelling on other peoples' problems that there's just no more time left to help myself. My selflessness in the form of helping others has grown to the extent that in helping them, I hurt myself.

I've also noticed that in my selflessness I've become "a private person", as told to me by my mother. She and my sister commented on the fact that I don't tell anyone anything, like, ever. Dwelling on this thought, I wanted to scream at them the fact that they were the ones that made me this way- this secretive private selfless person. But because of that secretive private selflessness, I didn't. I didn't scream at them or even tell them how or why I am this way. In fact, I didn't hardly even respond to their comments. Because of this selflessness, everything inside of me stays inside of me, and there is just no way for me to let it all out without making me feel like I'm imposing in on someone else's life, dumping all my problems on them to add along to all of their own struggles. I've cried so many nights away trying to find a way to let this all out, to tell someone everything that I'm feeling and everything that I'm going through... but I'm just too selfless.

I guess I've found that there is a certain point where a good form of selflessness changes into a bad one, so much that it pains the giver. It's strange to think that something so awesome can hurt anyone at all. But it does, and it is. ...And it needs to change. I'm teetering on the edge of a breakdown as I toy with this emotionally draining selflessness, knowing that somewhere, somewhen, somehow- I will fall either one way or the other...

listening to "Empty Apartment" by Yellowcard

So, I got this in a forward. I liked it... and I posted it here instead.

GET IT RIGHT:
1. If you like her ASK HER OUT already!!!!!!!!
2. When you hug her, put YOUR ARMS around her WAIST and hold her close.
3. When you WALK next to her, get as CLOSE as you can to her.
4. If she's the only one in your life, TELL HER.
5. ALWAYS let her know how much you like her, love her, or think about her.
6. Give her presents and cards for no reason, SHE WILL RETURN THE FAVOR... ALWAYS.
7. If she hangs up on you, call her right back.
8. Always offer to pay, if she says NO twice, then let her pay, but make a deal that you get to pay next time.
9. Kiss her lightly every chance you get.
10. Look in her eyes and kiss her on the lips, forehead, or nose.
11. If she says she's cold, don't be an idiot and say "me too" and stand there! Give her your jacket or just simply hold her in your arms.
12. Don't force her to do anything she's not comfortable with.
13. Invite her to dinner or somewhere where you can talk, instead of the movies.
14. Try not to ask her if she's mad at you EVERY TIME you speak to her.
15. Always tell her you LOVE her only if you really mean it.
16. DON'T pressure her to do anything she isnt READY to do. When she is ready, she will let you know. She just wants everything to be more SPECIAL and PERFECT. So appreciate what she does do with you.
17. DON'T go and tell your friends anything that happens between you two, because it will hurt her and make her mad... and it will NEVER happen again.

When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running through her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine.
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering what you are thinking.
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it.
When a GIRL says "I miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that.

*sobs violently*

I hate bloody noses.





I need a hug.

intangible silence

Finally, a moment of peace- just back from work, no more homework, no more extra-curricular activities, no more endless studying; just a moment to relax, a moment to be alone... *sigh*

But no, a constant buzzing in my brain is keeping me awake, stealing away my peace and turning it into a raging war inside my head, because every spare second of the day is spent in attempting to figure out what's going on... There is not such a thing as peace in a day, not with the brain always pondering, wondering, thinking...

I'm supposed to have been practicing my monologue for Shakespeare competitions that start in less than 2 weeks, and I just barely got completely memorized today. Pathetic. Last year I was memorized in like 3 days. This year it's taken me almost a month... and my whole problem is that my brain won't shut up and let me concentrate. It just won't. And even now when I'm even just trying to run through the words in my head, I feel like I have ADD because I just can't do it all the way through once without getting distracted by other thoughts floating around in there... It sucks hard.

Usually I can subdue all thoughts to focus complete concentration on what I want or need to do, but it's like there's someone else living in my head, always voicing their opinions, concerns, obsessions, emotions, etc. and they just can't shut up. I don't know how or why they came to be there, but at times -especially recently- I wish they would just go away and leave me be. I hate people like that that always have to say what they're thinking at the second it pops into their head, and unfortunately, it seems like I've become that kind of person in a way. I've turned into something I hate. And that's just weird.

I need a break from all of this; away from all this confusion and distress, the "unintended emotional cries" (duh, I love Aida), and the war being fought inside myself. ...But I can't get up and run away from my own conscience...

a need for regeneration

"Somewhere I Belong"

.

(When this began)

I had nothing to say

And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me

(I was confused)

And I let it all out to find

That I’m not the only person with these things in mind

(Inside of me)

But all the vacancy the words revealed

Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel

(Nothing to lose)

Just stuck/ hollow and alone

And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

.

[Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long

(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real

I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

.

And I’ve got nothing to say

I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face

(I was confused)

Looking everywhere only to find

That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

(So what am I)

What do I have but negativity

’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me

(Nothing to lose)

Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone

And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

.

[Repeat Chorus]

.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own

And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed

I will never be anything till I break away from me

I will break away, I'll find myself today

.

[Repeat Chorus]

.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong

Somewhere I belong

.

.

"Easier To Run"

.

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

.

Something has been taken from deep inside of me

The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see

Wounds so deep they never show they never go away

Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

.

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

.

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back

And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

.

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

.

Just washing it aside

All of the helplessness inside

Pretending I don't feel misplaced

It's so much simpler than change

.

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

.

It's easier to run

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made)

It's easier to go

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

.

-Linkin Park-

one way

I went driving tonight. Driving... And it made me feel better. Just sitting behind the wheel, going wherever and doing whatever I wanted- it made me feel in control. Total and absolute control over something in my life... now that's something that I haven't felt for a long time. But it's just driving, right? Why is it that something so trivial can relieve so much stress??

Well, for one, when you drive just to drive, there is no destined route to take to get to anywhere. If you feel like turning, you turn, and if you don't know where that road will take you, so much the better, because to drive is to get away from the uniform and familiar and go somewhere new. There's no worry about getting somewhere when you just drive to drive, and no worry about getting there on time; you're just driving to go places and get away from the ordinary. When you're driving, no one's telling you where to go and how to do it- you're the master there. It brings such relief knowing that you are taking your own course of action without having to worry about anyone's requirements.

Going wherever you want is one thing, but doing whatever you want is a totally different aspect. I sped when I wanted to; I went as slow as I wanted to when I wanted to- I irritated the people tailgating me by going slower, and then sped up when I got close to a stoplight, speeding through just in time to leave them sitting at a red light. Nothing could stop me from doing what I wanted tonight. It was great.

Driving tonight after this hell of a day let me loosen up, lastly because I could listen to whatever music I wanted to, and as loud as I wanted without people getting mad. Nobody was around to scold me for listening to my music for once (no one ever is at 11 at night), so I blasted that heart-pumping music at full volume and drove down neighborhood streets screaming away the frustration of the day along with it. Yeah, I screamed... and it felt so good. I didn't care, and neither did anyone else. It was awesome. But, I know my voice is gonna be sore tomorrow... hah, ah.

I love to drive.

pointless wishes...

"I wish you were in love with me!"

I wish I had the courage to tell you that I already am. I wish you were mine. I wish you were in love with me. I wish that I could tell you everything. I wish that I wasn't afraid of loving you. I wish that I wasn't afraid of hurting you. I almost wish I wasn't in love with you. I even almost wish that I never knew you, because of these wishes. I wish you would hold me like this more often. I wish I could just cry on your shoulder so you would hold me. I wish I could take this friendship further. I wish I wouldn't wish that. I wish you really meant what you just told me. I wish we could spend more time together. I wish you'd pay more attention to me, and then I wish you'd pay less. I wish I could be as hott as you say I am. I wish I had no regrets about this moment. I wish I could be a better person for you. I wish I could know what you really think of me. I wish I could really know why you just told me that.

I wish I could call you right now and tell you these things...

bleed the lies away

These past few horrible weeks have too often been spent leaning over my bathroom sink trying to stem the flow of blood from my nose. The attacks have come more increasingly often and have become more increasingly bloody, and I don't know why. Tonight though, I was so tired of fighting what I know I just can't stop, so I just let it fall, dripping away for ...I don't know how long, waiting until it bled itself out.

For a while I've felt like my life is the same way- I've been hiding so many things from everybody increasingly more often, and I'm so tired of keeping them hidden. I just want to tell you anything and everything- let it all come out into the open until there's just nothing left to tell...

But I can't. I can't, and I don't. All the secrets and all the emotions and all the longing just stays locked inside this heart of mine, and it all probably will until the end of time. ...I don't want it to be this way! For truely, I don't. But I've just been so broken up so many times and for so long that any real attempt to let it all out is shattered by the fear I hold in getting hurt time after time, again and again.

And so it is that I'm trapped by my own fear.

...I just want to be loved

My nose itches. Oh, I think I'll scratch it. *rubs nose* Now my nose feels like it's running. Wait... What the fu... NO! Not now!!

The blood started running, and all because my nose itched and I scratched it. Panic stirs inside as I try all the doors leading inside that are nearest to me. I look around searching for an open door; somebody waves and notices the red now spreading down my hands. Thank God for truely kind people, kind enough to offer their shirt as a way to stem the flow. That kid's my hero, for serious. Thank God for Jessy too. And I'm sorry that it like, ruined your night for like, watching me stuff things up my nose to stop the bleeding... cuz I know it's gross. I know it, and I thank you. I luff you, I really do! *huggie* And like, even though it seemed like all you did was stand there and rub my back, just the emotional support was awesome. And I love you for it.

...But sometimes (and I know this is like, completely off subject)... sometimes friends just aren't enough. Sometimes I feel unloved when I'm around them, or just not loved enough. ...Sometimes I just want to hug someone and get hugged back, and not let go until my day improves from being enveloped in their arms. I want an understanding shoulder to cry on, a buddy to laugh at inside jokes with, a hottie to snuggle in and watch a movie with; someone who will make me smile and say, "Awww, for presh!" whenever I see them or think about them; someone who will be ecstacticly happy when I'm with them, who'll hold me when I want to be held, and who'll not ask, "What's wrong, " but just say "Oh, hun, I love you," when I'm sad and let me cry my problems and my secrets away in their arms- someone who'll love me for me,

and understand that this is who I am,
...and that all I want is to love, and be loved in return...

another rejection... again...

Here I am again

Talking to myself

Sitting at a red light

Both hands on the wheel

How am I supposed to feel?

So much running through my mind

First you wanna be free

Now you say you need me

Giving mixed signals and signs

It's so hard to let you in

Thinking you might slam the brakes again

.

Put the pedal down

Heading out of town

Gotta make a getaway

The traffic in my brain's

Driving me insane

This is more than I can take

You tell me that you love me first

Then throw your heart into reverse

I gotta get away

.

I can't keep coming back to you

Every time you're in the mood

To whisper something sweet in my ear

It's so hard to move on

Cause every time I think you're gone

You show up in my rearview mirror

.

Is this just a detour?

Cause I gotta be sure

That you really mean what you say

It's so hard to let you in

Thinking you might slam the brakes again

.

Put the pedal down

Heading out of town

Gotta make a getaway

The traffic in my brain's

Driving me insane

This is more than I can take

You tell me that you love me first

Then throw your heart into reverse

I gotta get away

To a place where I can be redefined

Where you're out of sight

And you're out of mind

But the truth is I can't even say goodbye

.

Here I am again

Talking to myself

Sitting at a red light

Both hands on the wheel

How am I supposed to feel?

So much running through my mind

.

Put the pedal down

Heading out of town

Gotta make a getaway (a getaway)

The traffic in my brain's

Driving me insane

This is more than I can take (I can take)

You tell me that you love me first

Then throw your heart into reverse

I gotta get away...

tears running down my face

~*Katie*~ says:
hey sexy
*Lisa* says:
hiya bumbum
~*Katie*~ says:
lol
~*Katie*~ says:
whats up?
*Lisa* says:
I need a hug
~*Katie*~ says:
WHATS WRONG?!
*Lisa* says:
SO MUCH! I'm like sitting here crying for serious cuz I've needed a hug for like the past two days
~*Katie*~ says:
aaaaaaw tell me all about it!
*Lisa* says:
http://dapolarbear.blogspot.com/2005/08/dedicated-to-friend.html
*Lisa* says:
I wrote that, read it- it explains a bit
~*Katie*~ says:
k
~*Katie*~ says:
WHO WAS IT?!
*Lisa* says:
ben major
*Lisa* says:
I just feel so horrible for making him cry
~*Katie*~ says:
i'm so sorry hun!
~*Katie*~ says:
did you break up with him?
*Lisa* says:
no, we weren't ever together. he was with another girl and she broke up with him and he was wondering why, so I told him why and he totally started crying, and I remembered my last breakup and started crying too and I haven't stopped yet...

'Cuz we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late and

We can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

.

I try not to think

About the pain I feel inside

Did you know you used to be my hero?

All the days you spent with me

Now seem so far away

And it feels like you don't care anymore

.

And now I try hard to make it

I just want to make you proud

I'm never gonna be good enough for you

I can't stand another fight

And nothing's alright

.

'Cuz we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late and

We can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

.

Nothing's gonna change the things that I said

Nothing's gonna make this right again

Please don't turn your back

I can't believe it's hard

Just to talk to you

But you don't understand

.

'Cuz we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late and

We can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Perfect- Simple Plan

wow, that's interesting...

You are the Spirit of Anger.

You are the Spirit of Anger. You are every inch the bad girl. Something happened to make you so angry and you need to channel it out, if anyone gets in your way, they're in for a big shock. Friends are not essential for you, you don't care whether they're there or not. But if you do have friends they will be the most loyal for it takes a lot to become your friend. You attract people to you, so a partner is no trouble but if they can't handle you then they're out the window.

Take the quiz: Which stunning spirit of emotion are you?



Goth Fairy

You are Goth Fairy! You like everything dark and beautiful! You don't like to fade but you like the bright to die down a li'l bit. But that's ok! You're very mellow and have a ton of fun with your friends all the time.

Take the quiz: What is your inner beauty fairy?

dedicated to a friend...

"...have you ever had your heart ripped out by someone you've loved for forever when they tell you they hate your guts?"
It gets ripped out every time I'm with you... "...Oh, you have no idea..."

"...do you ever get that horrid feeling when you want to cry and the tears are there but they just don't fall, and you feel like that if only they fell the pain would go away?"
...Like right now?? "All the time..."


My Story:

Football game on a Saturday night
Catch glimpses of you just beyond my sight
I hear of friends nearby as friends pass by
I still don't know if this is right

Questions asked, and words get passed
Because of my tendency to tell the truth
My honesty will be the death of me
If I say anything else to you

Now walking aimlessly staring into space
With the saddest look upon your face
Reminiscing all those fun-stuffed days you had
With the girl that happened to fill my place

Questions asked, and words get passed
Because of my tendency to tell the truth
My honesty will be the death of me
If I say anything else to you


I made him cry. I made me cry. I cried my heart out for both of them. He asked me why she had left him, and I thought he deserved to know the truth- the whole truth for once. So I told him ...and he cried. He wondered how and why the heck he had been so ignorant; he wished someone would have told him so that he would have known before it was too late. But- le fin- it's finished.

I tried to comfort him; I tried so hard that he got mad at my efforts- "Lisa, just leave me alone..." We sat in silence the rest of the night, him holding his head in his hands; me trying to refrain myself from putting my arms around him and bawling- to just be able to let loose everything that's been trapped inside me for the past 7 months and 5 days since my first and last breakup, and having to see it happen to someone else: the rejection, the hate, the remorse, the lonliness, the anger, the sorrow, the grief, the tears, the pain, the hurt (did I forget anything else?), the regret... The friendship I had had with my old boy once is gone- I didn't want the same thing to happen to these two totally awesome people; neither one deserved what was happening, at all.

Getting ready to leave, I hugged him and said, "I love you, but I just don't wan-" "I'll see you around." And just like that I was cut off and left standing alone in the dark in front of the school, watching him drag himself away, one foot in front of the other, while I stood there and cried at what I had just done. Accidental revenge. "I love you". Even from just friends and family, those three words sting like death after breakups. I should know- I've gone through it.

From him to her:

Here I am on

The phone again, and

Awkward silence is

On the other end

I used to know the sound

Of a smile in your voice

But right now (right now)

All I feel (All I feel)

Is the pain of the fighting

Starting up again

.

All the things we talk about

You know they stay on my mind

On my mind

All the things we laugh about

They'll bring us through it every time

After time after time

.

Don't say a word

I know you feel the same

Just give me a sign

Say anything, say anything

Please don't walk away

I know you wanna stay

Just give me a sign

Say anything, say anything

.

Some say that

Time changes

Best friends can

Become strangers

But I don't want that

No, not for you

If you just stay with me, we can make it through

.

So here we are again

The same old argument

And now I'm wonderin'

If things'll ever change, yeah

When will you laugh again?

Laugh like you did back when

We'd make noise til 3 AM and the neighbors would complain

.

All the things we talk about

You know they stay on my mind

On my mind

All the things we laugh about

They'll bring us through it every time

After time after time

.

Don't say a word

I know you feel the same

Just give me a sign

Say anything, say anything

Please don't walk away

I know you wanna stay

Just give me a sign

Say anything, say anything

.

I'm fallin'

I'm fallin'

I'm fallin' down

I'm fallin'

I'm fallin'

I'm fallin' down

Down

Down

Down

.

Don't say a word

I know you feel the same

Just give me a sign

Say anything, say anything

Please don't walk away

I know you wanna stay

If you'll just give me a sign

Say anything, say anything

.

Don't say a word (Please don't leave)

I know you feel the same

Just give me a sign

Say anything, say anything

Please don't walk away (Please don't leave)

I know you wanna stay

Just give me a sign

Say anything, say anything

Say Anything- Good Charlotte

my half hour soul mate

now, just imagine a rigorous game of pool being played during all this and filling in some long spaces inbetween messaging and it'll make more sense:

*** travo_1989 has joined the table.
*** dramart2007 has joined the table.
trav: asl?
me: 16 f utah
m: u?
t: 16 m canada
m: sweet
t: do u have messenger?
m: I dunno let me look
m: not on this computer, sorry
t: do u have any pics
m: I might, let me look
*** travo_1989's old rating: 1368; new rating: 1375
*** dramart2007's old rating: 1145; new rating: 1138
m: oops
m: gg
t: u 2
m: how do I send you a pic?
t: u don't know
m: well if I had messenger then I would just send you there, or I could email you, but I don't play pool too often so I don't know
t: well email me sometime
m: sweet
m: so do you have any pics?
t: ah wrong ball
m: yeah me too :P
t: wats ur name?
m: lisa
m: what's yours?
t: I'm trav
m: I like it
t: or travis
m: that's cool
t: thanx
m: ur welcome
t: ur pretty cool
m: yeah you too :)
t: it's to bad ur not from around here
m: yeah that would be cool
m: so what do you like to do?
t: im a football player
t: lol
*** travo_1989's old rating: 1381; new rating: 1356
*** dramart2007's old rating: 1132; new rating: 1158
t: that sucked
m: yeah oh well, you're still cool
t: y thank u
m: no prob! and it's hott that you play football too- totally cool
t: u think so
m: heck yes
t: y do u like athlete's
m: yeah some, it all depends on their attitude, but most of the time they're hotter anyways
t: i try not to act good
t: i hate that
m: yeah me too!
t: man u have 2 email me
m: dude I just did!
m: lol
m: hey, it says my email isn't working- what's your email address?? just to be sure, ya know
t: travo_1989@yahoo.com
t: so wat do u do 4 fun
m: well I'm a drama freak so I usually just do random stuff with random people...
t: sounds fun
m: yeah, it can be
t: so do u have a boyfriend?
m: nope, I'm a loner. it sucks
m: what about you? do you have a girlfriend?
t: no we broke up about 3 weeks ago
m: I'm sorry hun
t: lol
m: what?
t: yeh i'm recoverin
m: that's good
t: so how does someone as kool as u stay single for more than a day
m: pfft, I'd like to know that myself!
t: well id take care of ya if i had the chance
m: awww, you're awesome! can I just say I love you?
t: lol sure ya can
m: sweet
t: ur kool as all hell
m: and you're pretty damn awesome youreself
t: and who ever left u is the dumbest person ever
t: i know i wouldn't
m: omg, you are a hottie
t: i know iknow lol
m: you really are though!
t: ur not 2 bad ur self
m: thanx :D
t: g2g
t: srry love ya bye
*** travo_1989 has left the table.
m: *wail of sadness* nooo! I didn't even say goodbye...



"...and that was how regina george died. no no, only kidding; but she really did get hurt..." and so I did. he was such a nice kid!! I would totally have gone clear out to canada just to meet him and be with him- he totally stole my heart. but DUH! I'm such a pussy to have fallen for him in such a short time and over the internet as well!! sheesh. and it was really weird too- the reason I couldn't get through to his email wasn't really my problem, it was his- it kept coming back to me saying that travo_1989 wasn't a real user on yahoo. retardedness. and strange suspicions. I just hope that he emails me instead so that we can still talk...

ggrrrr! but it makes me so mad!! why is it that good things like this never last for me? why??

another one's gone and dead...

People have been coming and going a lot lately, friends dying here and there; times gone, memories lost, and another one who was precious to our hearts is passed from vibrant life over to cold hard death. This latest passing sucked hardest for me- piercing me straight through, stabbing again and again as I remember event after event that we had planned to do together soon. We were so close... and now it's too late. It's too late...

I can't believe it's gone. I don't want to believe it's gone. I mean, it's still sitting right outside my house as if nothing were wrong with it at all. ...But The Beast has passed. It's not coming back this time. And I feel so ...empty. There's this GAPING HOLE in my soul where my car resided for the few months that I've been driving it. And it won't be filled as easily as my parents think. Already they've been searching all over town for a suitable replacement for The Beast, not asking what I think or caring that I'm in mourning for a friend.

And shut up- I don't care if it's "only a car"... It was my car, my friend ...my sanctuary; and I loved it. From the very second I heard the words, "That car is yours," I was out there cleaning every inch of it I could reach with the hose and an old brush and my dad's watervac, making it suitable for ...well, for sitting in without being stunk out by my family's 5 years of previous neglect. And from that moment on, we became best friends, and I loved it. Here was a private sanctuary, when the going got tough. I didn't mind going on errands- it was time for me to be with my car- time to get out of the house and drive; I always took extra time getting from place to place so that I could drive- just get out on the open road and be in my car... You wouldn't understand how precious The Beast is to me. It's just so inexplicable, what I've been through with that car.

I went out and emptied The Beast of every trace of me this morning. I couldn't stand looking at the pile of stuff sitting in my room anymore, so I went back out to The Beast itself and sat on top of it watching the rainclouds move overhead. ...And I cried. I cried. I cried for times past and things that we had yet to do, things like: the friend-graffiti-newpaint-day, drag-racing Ben in his Golden Bullet, driving to the TOP of Lightning Ridge (not just halfway up and getting afraid of overheating), spending at least one night in it away from home, getting it pimped out by KC and Kendall, going stargazing up by Deer Creek, taking it down to the Thistle campground again, and driving Emily and Marisa and other people out to Cali for our senior trip...

It's gone, and it's not coming back. I feel so lost and confused; I don't know where to go next... I hear someone sobbing- I glance around and realize that I'm the one in tears.

All day, staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night, hearing voices
Telling me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hope gone, feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why...

...goodbyes suck hard.

haha

THE RULES

1. The Female ALWAYS makes the RULES

2. THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE at any time without prior notification.

3. NO MALE CAN POSSIBLY KNOW THE RULES

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the RULES, she must IMMEDIATELY change some of the RULES

5. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG.

6. If the female is wrong it is because of a FLAGRANT MISUNDERSTANDING which was a DIRECT RESULT of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must appologise immediately for causing the MISUNDERSTANDING.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point of time

9. THE MALE MUST NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT from the female.

10. The female has every right to be ANGRY or UPSET at any time.

11. The male must remain CALM at ALL times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset

12. The female must UNDER NO circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset

13. ANY ATTEMPT TO DOCUMENT THESE RULES COULD RESULT IN BODILY HARM

14. If the female has PMS, all rules are NULL and VOID.

15. THE MALE CANNOT DIAGNOSE PMS

how long...

Rain is pouring down like the heavens are hurting.
Seems like it's been dark since the devil knows when.
How do you go on, never knowing for certain,
Will the sun ever shine again?

Feels like it's been years since it started to thunder;
Clouds are camping out in the valley and glen.
How do you go on when you can't help but wonder
Will the sun ever shine again?

What if the rain keeps falling?
What if the sky stays gray?
What if the wind keeps squalling,
And never goes away?

Maybe soon the storm will be tired of blowing.
Maybe soon it all will be over, amen.
How do you go on, if there's no way of knowing
Will the sun ever shine?
Wish I could say.
Send me a sign-
One little ray.
Lord, if you're list'ning, how long until then?
Will the sun ever shine again?

Do you ever have that dream
Where you're walking naked down the street
And everyone just stares
Do you ever feel so deep
That you speak your mind
To put others straight to sleep
You wonder if anybody cares
Sometimes I think I'm the only one
Whose day turned out unlike it had begun

And I feel bare naked
And I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded
No I just can't fake it anymore
'Cause I'm bare naked
And I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away
To some other day

You ever go downstairs to start your day
But your car's not there
Yeah you know the joke's on you
You ever try your luck with a pickup line
But you just sucked
You tell yourself it wasn't you
And I know it's hard to hold it inside
It's days like these I run and hide

When I feel bare naked
And I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded
No I just can't fake it anymore
'Cause I'm bare naked
And I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away
To some other day

It's all a state of mind
But I don't mind trying to find a way
To keep my head above the mess I make
What the world creates
Sometimes it feels so good to let it all fall
As the world fall
I may fall
We all may fall
And then the world comes tumbling
Down, down, down, down, down

I'm bare naked
And I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded
No I just can't fake it anymore
'Cause I'm bare naked
And I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away
To some other day

When I feel ...feel

you cannot contain me forever!!! muahahaha!

Which Family Guy Character Are you?
brought to you by

mistrust and betrayal

How do you tell someone close to you that you just don't trust them and there's no possible way that you ever will or ever can?? This question posed in my mind while talking to my sister yesterday. Every other time that I've told her anything, the whole world knew about it within the hour. And, quite frankly, it's rather irritating. So instead of telling her that I had trust issues with her, I said that the reason I don't tell her anything is because I have issues with my other sister who's quite like her in sharing secrets with the universe.

And today when I get home from church, I'm plagued by questions and accusations that I'm a cutter, all because my sister wanted to get back at me for not trusting her (although that aspect is not known to the rest of my family), and because in sacrament meeting she was sitting next to me and saw that my hand had been injured. Now that I look at it, I guess her grounds of calling me a cutter weren't that farfetched- not because I'm really a cutter (cuz I'm not really a cutter, just so you know), but because last night I was being a stupidhead and not paying attention to what the frick I was doing, and I got my hand caught in the door of The Beast. The tops of my fingers aren't really the tops of my fingers anymore; they've been, like, skinned almost.

But that's not my point. My point is, how do you deal with someone like that?? She bothers me when she tries to intrude upon my life, and then goes shouting lies to the skies about what she doesn't know. And now that this has happened, I get to spend a whole week with her and the rest of my family and their stupid suspicions about me at Lake Powell, starting tomorrow at 7am. Gross. No escapes at all. But hey, at least I'll be at Lake Powell, right? ...right??

Moving On

When I think about my life

I wonder if I will survive

To live to see 25 or will I just fall?

Like all my friends, they just keep dying.

People round me, always crying.

In this place that I like to call my home.

.

Not everybody knows that everybody goes to a better place.

Not everybody knows that everybody could be living their last days.

But the hard times will come, and we'll keep moving on.

We're moving on.

Keep moving on!

.

Life.

Hope.

Truth.

Trust.

Faith.

Pride.

Love.

Lust.

.

On without the things we've lost

But things we've gained we'll take with us.

.

And all I've got are these two hands

To make myself a better man.

I wonder if I'll ever see the end of this.

With all this rain it just keeps falling

On my head and now I'm calling

Out to someone else to help me make it through.

.

Not everybody knows that everybody goes to a better place.

Not everybody knows that everybody could be living their last days.

But the hard times will come, and we'll keep moving on.

We're moving on.

Keep moving on!

.

Life.

Hope.

Truth.

Trust.

Faith.

Pride.

Love.

Lust.

Pain.

Hate.

Lies.

Guilt.

Laugh.

Cry.

Live.

Die.

.

Some friends become enemies,

Some friends become your family.

Make the best with what you're given.

This ain't dying- this is living!

.

Said were movin on

And we've got nothin to prove

To anyone

Cause we'll get through.

Were movin on and on and on and on

And on and on and on and on

And on and on and on and on

And on and on and on and on...

Keep movin on!

.

Life.

Hope.

Truth.

Trust.

Faith.

Pride.

Love.

Lust.

Pain.

Hate.

Lies.

Guilt.

Laugh.

Cry.

Live.

Die.

.

Some friends become enemies,

Some friends become your family!

Make the best with what you're given!

This ain't dying!

This is living!

let it be, baby... let it be...

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people

Living in the world agree,

There will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is

Still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be. Yeah

There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,

There is still a light that shines on me,

Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be.

There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be,

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Movie Night!!

Hey guys, for those of you who haven't already heard, I'm planning to break a little of the summer monotony (plus I told people I would throw a party to watch a certain movie when we were getting our HP6 books...)! WhooO! Saturday the 23, my house, after dinner sometime, just come and bring food (if you want to) and bring anyone you think will want to come that knows me!! I'm excited, and you should be too. We're gonna watch Hitch (pg 13), which is really good, so come even if you've seen it already! Call if you have any questions!! I love you guys!

In Good Company

"...you're a good man, Carter..."

Phhh... never has a movie brought more truth to life. Good things might happen, but most are not meant to stay. Still, memories lay thick on my mind as I look back after watching this movie. For one, the moon caught my eye on the way home tonight, just as it has every night for a while. Tonight, however, I chased it all the way here to my roof where I sit pondering under its gaze. How does the moon survive, traveling the skies, tonight so full and in its prime... and yet so all alone? Even the surrounding stars have friends to shine at. But the moon... the moon has nothing. The man on the moon looks sad, as sad tonight as he has looked for eternity. ...but wherein lies his comfort?

I don't know why, but I can somehow feel my own sadness reflected in that of the moon. I am alone as I sit here on this roof; I have nothing, and I am alone. ...and why?? All because of some stupid badass decision I made. And it still hurts. ...why?? Because I'm dumb; and because I see nearly the same things happening to others around me and I fall back into the hellhole that I've dug for myself by doing the things I've done. Stupid. It's stupid and I know it.

Ha ha, I just saw a shooting star. Ridiculous, I know. ...but:

Wishing you were somehow here again . . .

Knowing we must say goodbye . . .

Try to forgive . . .

Teach me to live . . .

Give me the strength to try . . .

No more memories,

No more silent tears . . .

No more gazing across the wasted years . . .

Help me say goodbye. . .

Help me say goodbye.

I never realized

I went to a barbeque on Saturday. I left with the worst feeling burdening my shoulders, my mind, ...and my heart. Chase is dead. No no, not Chase Chase Brown- Chase Jesperson. I knew him in jr. high and haven't seen him since because he went to Orem High. He was a cool kid, one of those kind that leave an awesome first impression that you never forget. And I haven't forgotten him. And now he's gone.

At the barbeque, my friend who goes to Orem came out and was talking to people, and I overheard their conversation. Chase was at Lake Powell with a bunch of friends, messing around with jetskis on a boat wake; his friend jumped the wake and the jetski hit Chase dead-center on the head, giving him a concussion and brain damage and who knows what else; lifeflight came and took him away and he died in the hospital. He died.

I've been thinking about it a lot since then. He shouldn't have gone. It wasn't his time. It isn't our time either, but who knows how much longer any of us will last?? He had so much he could have shared with the world, with friends and family and other people; but no, that chance is gone now. I never thought about things hard enough to realize how really precious life is. It's such a fragile gift, a fragile experience, and it can be taken away in a flash when we least expect it. Live life to its fullest, people; follow your dreams- chase them to their end, no matter where it takes you. You never know when things will be cut short so that you won't get that opportunity.

I love you all. Don't be stupid and leave me- or anyone else you love- alone. Whatever it is that might take you to those ends- it's not worth it. Drop it and leave it alone. And know this: I love you, I really do. :D

scared out of my wits

I had just woken up this morning and was lying in bed listening to music on my radio, when I heard a knock on my front door. I peeked out my window (just to left of the door) and the first thing I see is a cop car parked in the street and 2 cops standing on my front step!

Holy ship, I have never been that scared in my entire life. I jumped out of bed and dressed as fast as I could, all the while half expecting the cops to burst into my room, guns blazing, to arrest me from what happened down at the lake the other day.

But it never happened. They never came into my room or even asked for my name. And I think I prefer it that way. Instead, shockingly, they asked for my youngest sister, Marci, all because her best "friend" called the cops on her for "calling her house too much and breaking into her email account and changing the password, blah blah", when in actuality on some days she calls our house every five minutes asking if Marci's home yet, and back during the school year it was her breaking into Marci's locker and stealing stuff and leaving cuss messages, etc...

Quite frankly, I don't even know why Marci's stayed friends with her for this long. Well, okay, Marci's written her off at least twice and told her that she doesn't want to be friends anymore, but somehow or another, they always get back together again, only to go through another hate war over and over. I just don't get it. People are dumb.

the summer bore

I think the summer bore has gotten to us all. Yes, I'll admit- even to me. I mean, look at me. I'm still up at 4 in the morning, blogging like I have since, well... 11 am YESTERDAY!!! Shieeesh. But now I'm looking around reading everybody's blogs and all I find is stuff like, "Life sucks. Everyone's dying. I'm so dumb. I miss doing stuff. I want to get away. I hate him/I hate her. Why this/Why that. Blah, blah blah!" We all need to like, have a super major heavy FUN PARTAY with lots of partaying in it to get out of this summer drag!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!

Who is up for a party?? Anyone.....eh, eh?

*clears throat* ...and I'm done now.

my escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly,
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
Is my one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I’m going
Because

I've gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut
That I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I’m begging you,
I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
[They've] told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I’m going
Because

I've gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency
Is something I can’t shake, yeah
I've gotta get outta here
And I’m begging you,
I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I’m going
Because

I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut
That I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging you,
I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape.

I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were you

...So were you

Relient K

haha, there's an ambulence outside my house right now

So, my sisters went to go run my dogs, right, and they do this by putting on rollerblades, harnessing the dogs, saying, "Let's go!" and getting pulled while the dogs run at like 25 mph. Well, as you can already tell, this is quite a dangerous sport, and today just happened to be the day that somebody was hit by a car. ...Well, ok, she actually hit the car instead of the car hitting her.

But still, my idiot neighbors called a cop and an ambulence and a fire engine to come after they'd been sitting on their front lawn laughing at my sister for 15-20 minutes when she hit the car. They're so dumb. Oh, and guess which dog she was getting pulled by!! No no, just guess: ... it was TIKI! Stupidhead.

Ok ok, so I guess I need to give an explanation. Here's how the story goes: so my sisters took off down the street behind the dogs, and when they got to the corner where they usually take a left turn, they bolted right into the street without looking for any cars. Teddy was in the lead, and he pulled out in front of the car, while Tiki, who was behind, ran in behind the car. The car stopped to not hit Teddy and Tiki was so close behind the car that when it stopped, he had to stop too. But as I'm sure a few of you know, it's not that easy to stop on a dime when going 25 mph on a pair of rollerblades.

My sister tripped over the dog and did a face-plant on the side of the car. She hit so hard that she left a face-sized dent in the car door. And finally after my neighbors had gotten themselves together (as you can tell, these aren't nice people (mostly just to our family, cuz we'd had previous problems with them and our dogs... grrrr) I hate them for that, but besides that, they're pretty okay people) they decided to call the cops because there was an "accident" involving a girl and a car, blah blah blah... and now, as you can see, there's an ambulence and a fire engine in front of my house with some pretty hott paramedics in my house checking to see if my sister is okay from face-planting on the car!

heh heh heh....

just trying this out

my grandfather is dead

Ether Keith Aston- my dad's dad- he's gone. He died early April, and we had the funeral on my birthday. I woke up this morning with him on my mind for some reason. It's gross how I'm only just now feeling the effects. I miss him, even though he hasn't really been around lately. Parkinson's and cancer had taken over for the past 2 or 3 years, and I felt bad for him really. I still remember him from before that though, and he was the awesomest guy ever. And now he's gone. ...he's gone. And I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out for him and how he's gone.

At the funeral, all of his kids spoke- my dad, my two uncles and my two aunts. And every single one of them mentioned how he was always saying, "...this too shall pass..." My grandpa really was cool. I love him, and this too shall pass in time.

Janis is totally my hero

Which Mean Girl are you?
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I'm totally freaking out right now

so we're having a going-away partay for Jessy before she goes to nationals. and we just went down to the lake and buried stuff for fun while fighting off an enormous army of mosquitoes. and when we finally climbed back up the hill, there was the sheriff pulling out from behind my car.

I get so freaking paranoid when I drive with people in my car. I'm afraid that somehow someone will be stupid or I'll get distratcted and I'll lose my licence or someone will die and I'll be guilty for the rest of my life. and now with the sheriff singling out my car tonight, I'm afraid as hell. I don't want to lose my friends- they're my life; I don't want to lose my licence- it gives me so much freedom... and yet so much restraint as well. but I like it, more than I like having no car.

I hate it, this feeling inside of me. and I'm sitting here at Marisa's house freaking out and nobody cares to look, or wonder, or even ask if I'm okay. ...okay okay, so they did when I said that I was freaking out... but still, it bothers me that there was no second thought about it on their part. I'm a new driver, and still a kid; things scare me. I need a hug right now- one of the kind that eminate the feeling of, "everything will be all right; shhhh, you're safe now; don't worry," and I don't want it to ever end, ever.

I hate when I'm feeling all alone and afraid. and I find that I'm feeling it more and more often. I hate it. I loathe it. I loathe me when I'm feeling this way. I loathe me.

well, so much for exercising a bit longer...

I like to run. I always have. It's fun- you should try it, plus it works your body so that you're more physically fit. That's why I was doing it this morning at 7am- to get more physically fit. And I also took my mom, my sisters... and my dogs. Now, the dogs usually aren't that bad. In fact, sometimes they're even fun to run with. So, last stretch of the mile around our neighborhood, I decided to have a bit of fun. "Release the hounds!" "Go Teddy go!" "Run on, Tiki!" (don't ask me why my dogs have the names they do...) And they're gone like a shot down the street. Me, being the way I am and having been bored for the last mile going at my family's slow pace, begin an energy-spending sprint after the dogs. They've gone across the street exploring, but when I start up that sprint toward my house, those dogs came running.

.

Now, let me explain something about my dogs: one is the most intelligent and fun animal you would ever meet, and the other... well, let me put it this way: he's just about the stupidest thing on the face of the earth. You could hold a flame under his tail and he wouldn't even notice it until he was burnt crisp and couldn't move anymore. That's what would get him- the fact that his body wasn't doing what he was wanting it to do. He doesn't care about anything else, only what he wants to do. And it bothers me. He bothers me. You see, I've grown up with dogs who were teachable and fun all my life... until this one. He's just so dumb. And he can't learn anything. He won't learn anything. ANYTHING.... you know, to put it simply: it's just plain gross how dumb he is.

.

And this is where we go back to my story. They were across the street, and I was sprinting toward my house. The one dog sees me and runs to catch up; the dumb one sees the other one cross the street and run away and runs to catch him. He might've seen me; I don't know, but once he crossed that street he ran full tilt into my legs and the next thing I know I'm lying on the ground with a sore head, elbow, and butt where I hit the sidewalk; and I can't breathe at all. I hate that dog. He's so dumb.

.

So anyways, my family comes running to see if I'm okay, and with my mom being a former p.e. teacher, she takes the right precautions to make sure I'll survive. She finally gets me to a standing position where we both take a breather... but then the world starts going black. "You ready to go?" she asks me. "...I'm blacking out..." I tell her, and the next thing I know I feel like I'm in a different world. All my friends are there- I remember Jessy, Marisa, and Sousa, and there were others that I don't remember- it was kind of in like a Starwars setting, but kinda not... it was weird... Then I come back to reality and I'm on the ground again. "Whoa, how long have I been lying here?" I ask my mom who's standing over me. I had passed out for the first time in my life! But it was funny what happened next- within the minute my whole family was gathered around me- even my dad and my older sister who weren't even awake when we'd first gotten up! Hehehe... *shyly* I didn't know I was that loved... :D

.

Yes, well, I found out later that I had had a mini sort of seisure: I started shaking and my eyes rolled back in my head and I turned an ashen white and lost consciousness... Sounds kinda scary, huh? Oh well. At least I'm alive. At least my dumb dog didn't kill me... gash, stupi-head. I hate him. A lot.

.

And that's my story for the day. Well, except for the fact that I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Capitol Reef for my ward's youth conference and won't be back until Saturday evening; and then I'm home for a day until I get to go to Lake Powell next Monday!!! I'm so excited! And I will miss you and I love you all... BUT LAKE POWELL'S BETTER!!!! *evil hysterical laughing* AAAHAHAHHAAAAHHAAHAHAAA!!!! Yes. It is and you know it. But lovies until I see ya'll next! Mwa!

*purrs*

You Are Catwoman "Life's a bitch. Now so am I." What Superheroine Are You?

*hysterically laughs* AAHAHAHAHHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAAAAHA hahhahahaaahaha ahahaha heheheheeeheheheeee..... *clears throat*

...it's so true

what is everybody's problem?? shiiiiessh

so, today was like the first time in a LONG time that I've gotten on and read through everyone's blogs. and I'm sitting here astounded at the things running through everyone's minds, mostly stuff like, "so much has changed, and it's all for the worst..."

why? why have we all fallen down into the slums that humanity calls depression?? it's ruining our personalities and our lives; all of us really need to do something about it. who knows how much longer any of us will last? it could be 20 years, 10, 5; it could be in a month, 2 weeks, 7 days; it could be tomorrow. and why the hell did we spend it in hell, when we could have been out enjoying what time we had left-hanging with friends, going camping, boating, tanning, reading, sleeping, eating, driving, singing, writing, drawing, acting, relaxing-being ourselves? yet, so many of us have allowed the world to get the better of us, drag us down and mask reality and make it seem to be the worst thing that has ever happened to us.

guys, listen to yourselves. look around-find the good things in life and grasp them with all your might. sooner or later, one or more will lift you out of the hell-hole you've dug for yourself and quite possibly others. "this too shall pass", and sooner or later things will get better. I don't know how long it will be. I'm still holding on, despite how small my grip seems to be.

never leave home without your sam. I guess it's finally come time for me to explain my motto. see, I used to be a hater of the lotr movies. then one day I got invited to one of those parties where all you do for the whole day is sit around and watch lotr. miraculously, I went, and since that day I've never had a loatheful thought about them. but, as I got around to watching them again and again, sam continuously caught my attention. even in the books he was always the cheerful one, the person to get you started in the morning and the same one to tuck you in at night. I was jealous, jealous of that kind of person who was always with you wherever you went to make you happy and brighten your day no matter what. so, I acquired a 'sam' of sorts. every morning, the first thought on my mind would be, "where's sam? is he here with me this morning? I think I'll take him around everywhere today." and just thinking of sam drowned out any other worries and made my days those kind where it always rains, so that anything unnecessary and troublesome was washed quickly away. I love those kinds of days. they're so awesome. and that was my sam. I never left home without him, and my whole life was so much better. I know it's kind of foolish, having an imaginary friend, but to me, it was the highlight in my life - on my honor.

people, find the sam in you -the sam in your life- so that we can all just get over the troubles of the mind. life will be so much better if you do. I guarantee it. I love you all so so sooooo much, and it pains me that life's dragging us down. cheer up. cheer up the world. :D

days of the week

Monday:
"Monday sucks! Monday sucks!! Monday sucks!!!" *keep repeating until you flail so hard you accidentally shove your finger up your nose*

Tuesday:
"Tuesday sucks! Tuesday sucks!! Tuesday's really bad; it SUCKS!!" *choreographed by Jessamyn Svensson*

Wednesday:
"Wednesday sucks. Bleeehh." *all your energy is gone by the time Wednesday comes around-all you can to is stand there and say 'bleeehhhh' with slow body movements*

Thursday:
"It's Thursday. I'm tired. It's still Thursday." *then just fall over and take a nap*