*sobs violently*

I hate bloody noses.





I need a hug.

intangible silence

Finally, a moment of peace- just back from work, no more homework, no more extra-curricular activities, no more endless studying; just a moment to relax, a moment to be alone... *sigh*

But no, a constant buzzing in my brain is keeping me awake, stealing away my peace and turning it into a raging war inside my head, because every spare second of the day is spent in attempting to figure out what's going on... There is not such a thing as peace in a day, not with the brain always pondering, wondering, thinking...

I'm supposed to have been practicing my monologue for Shakespeare competitions that start in less than 2 weeks, and I just barely got completely memorized today. Pathetic. Last year I was memorized in like 3 days. This year it's taken me almost a month... and my whole problem is that my brain won't shut up and let me concentrate. It just won't. And even now when I'm even just trying to run through the words in my head, I feel like I have ADD because I just can't do it all the way through once without getting distracted by other thoughts floating around in there... It sucks hard.

Usually I can subdue all thoughts to focus complete concentration on what I want or need to do, but it's like there's someone else living in my head, always voicing their opinions, concerns, obsessions, emotions, etc. and they just can't shut up. I don't know how or why they came to be there, but at times -especially recently- I wish they would just go away and leave me be. I hate people like that that always have to say what they're thinking at the second it pops into their head, and unfortunately, it seems like I've become that kind of person in a way. I've turned into something I hate. And that's just weird.

I need a break from all of this; away from all this confusion and distress, the "unintended emotional cries" (duh, I love Aida), and the war being fought inside myself. ...But I can't get up and run away from my own conscience...

a need for regeneration

"Somewhere I Belong"

.

(When this began)

I had nothing to say

And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me

(I was confused)

And I let it all out to find

That I’m not the only person with these things in mind

(Inside of me)

But all the vacancy the words revealed

Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel

(Nothing to lose)

Just stuck/ hollow and alone

And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

.

[Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long

(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real

I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

.

And I’ve got nothing to say

I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face

(I was confused)

Looking everywhere only to find

That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

(So what am I)

What do I have but negativity

’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me

(Nothing to lose)

Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone

And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

.

[Repeat Chorus]

.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own

And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed

I will never be anything till I break away from me

I will break away, I'll find myself today

.

[Repeat Chorus]

.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong

Somewhere I belong

.

.

"Easier To Run"

.

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

.

Something has been taken from deep inside of me

The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see

Wounds so deep they never show they never go away

Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

.

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

.

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back

And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

.

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

.

Just washing it aside

All of the helplessness inside

Pretending I don't feel misplaced

It's so much simpler than change

.

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

.

It's easier to run

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made)

It's easier to go

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

.

-Linkin Park-

one way

I went driving tonight. Driving... And it made me feel better. Just sitting behind the wheel, going wherever and doing whatever I wanted- it made me feel in control. Total and absolute control over something in my life... now that's something that I haven't felt for a long time. But it's just driving, right? Why is it that something so trivial can relieve so much stress??

Well, for one, when you drive just to drive, there is no destined route to take to get to anywhere. If you feel like turning, you turn, and if you don't know where that road will take you, so much the better, because to drive is to get away from the uniform and familiar and go somewhere new. There's no worry about getting somewhere when you just drive to drive, and no worry about getting there on time; you're just driving to go places and get away from the ordinary. When you're driving, no one's telling you where to go and how to do it- you're the master there. It brings such relief knowing that you are taking your own course of action without having to worry about anyone's requirements.

Going wherever you want is one thing, but doing whatever you want is a totally different aspect. I sped when I wanted to; I went as slow as I wanted to when I wanted to- I irritated the people tailgating me by going slower, and then sped up when I got close to a stoplight, speeding through just in time to leave them sitting at a red light. Nothing could stop me from doing what I wanted tonight. It was great.

Driving tonight after this hell of a day let me loosen up, lastly because I could listen to whatever music I wanted to, and as loud as I wanted without people getting mad. Nobody was around to scold me for listening to my music for once (no one ever is at 11 at night), so I blasted that heart-pumping music at full volume and drove down neighborhood streets screaming away the frustration of the day along with it. Yeah, I screamed... and it felt so good. I didn't care, and neither did anyone else. It was awesome. But, I know my voice is gonna be sore tomorrow... hah, ah.

I love to drive.

pointless wishes...

"I wish you were in love with me!"

I wish I had the courage to tell you that I already am. I wish you were mine. I wish you were in love with me. I wish that I could tell you everything. I wish that I wasn't afraid of loving you. I wish that I wasn't afraid of hurting you. I almost wish I wasn't in love with you. I even almost wish that I never knew you, because of these wishes. I wish you would hold me like this more often. I wish I could just cry on your shoulder so you would hold me. I wish I could take this friendship further. I wish I wouldn't wish that. I wish you really meant what you just told me. I wish we could spend more time together. I wish you'd pay more attention to me, and then I wish you'd pay less. I wish I could be as hott as you say I am. I wish I had no regrets about this moment. I wish I could be a better person for you. I wish I could know what you really think of me. I wish I could really know why you just told me that.

I wish I could call you right now and tell you these things...

bleed the lies away

These past few horrible weeks have too often been spent leaning over my bathroom sink trying to stem the flow of blood from my nose. The attacks have come more increasingly often and have become more increasingly bloody, and I don't know why. Tonight though, I was so tired of fighting what I know I just can't stop, so I just let it fall, dripping away for ...I don't know how long, waiting until it bled itself out.

For a while I've felt like my life is the same way- I've been hiding so many things from everybody increasingly more often, and I'm so tired of keeping them hidden. I just want to tell you anything and everything- let it all come out into the open until there's just nothing left to tell...

But I can't. I can't, and I don't. All the secrets and all the emotions and all the longing just stays locked inside this heart of mine, and it all probably will until the end of time. ...I don't want it to be this way! For truely, I don't. But I've just been so broken up so many times and for so long that any real attempt to let it all out is shattered by the fear I hold in getting hurt time after time, again and again.

And so it is that I'm trapped by my own fear.

...I just want to be loved

My nose itches. Oh, I think I'll scratch it. *rubs nose* Now my nose feels like it's running. Wait... What the fu... NO! Not now!!

The blood started running, and all because my nose itched and I scratched it. Panic stirs inside as I try all the doors leading inside that are nearest to me. I look around searching for an open door; somebody waves and notices the red now spreading down my hands. Thank God for truely kind people, kind enough to offer their shirt as a way to stem the flow. That kid's my hero, for serious. Thank God for Jessy too. And I'm sorry that it like, ruined your night for like, watching me stuff things up my nose to stop the bleeding... cuz I know it's gross. I know it, and I thank you. I luff you, I really do! *huggie* And like, even though it seemed like all you did was stand there and rub my back, just the emotional support was awesome. And I love you for it.

...But sometimes (and I know this is like, completely off subject)... sometimes friends just aren't enough. Sometimes I feel unloved when I'm around them, or just not loved enough. ...Sometimes I just want to hug someone and get hugged back, and not let go until my day improves from being enveloped in their arms. I want an understanding shoulder to cry on, a buddy to laugh at inside jokes with, a hottie to snuggle in and watch a movie with; someone who will make me smile and say, "Awww, for presh!" whenever I see them or think about them; someone who will be ecstacticly happy when I'm with them, who'll hold me when I want to be held, and who'll not ask, "What's wrong, " but just say "Oh, hun, I love you," when I'm sad and let me cry my problems and my secrets away in their arms- someone who'll love me for me,

and understand that this is who I am,
...and that all I want is to love, and be loved in return...