These past few horrible weeks have too often been spent leaning over my bathroom sink trying to stem the flow of blood from my nose. The attacks have come more increasingly often and have become more increasingly bloody, and I don't know why. Tonight though, I was so tired of fighting what I know I just can't stop, so I just let it fall, dripping away for ...I don't know how long, waiting until it bled itself out.
For a while I've felt like my life is the same way- I've been hiding so many things from everybody increasingly more often, and I'm so tired of keeping them hidden. I just want to tell you anything and everything- let it all come out into the open until there's just nothing left to tell...
But I can't. I can't, and I don't. All the secrets and all the emotions and all the longing just stays locked inside this heart of mine, and it all probably will until the end of time. ...I don't want it to be this way! For truely, I don't. But I've just been so broken up so many times and for so long that any real attempt to let it all out is shattered by the fear I hold in getting hurt time after time, again and again.
And so it is that I'm trapped by my own fear.
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2 comments:
Lisa, if your scared that we won't love you if you tell us anything then we really aren't good friends. Have any of us ever thought of you as a different person because of it? No... We won't. You can't go through life keeping everything a secret. Haven't you ever seen a episode of Smallville. He's lonely and sad all the time because he cant tell people the truth. And if your secret is that you have super powers that wouldn't be bad, it would be todally awesome. But your friends are here to help. Were here to listen to you hopes and dreams and your sad times and bad times. So please, call anytime, we can come over and give you hugs and a shoulder to cry on... I love you sooo much...
Lisa...anything I could possibly say right now would be too trite, and pointless in the face of your pain...just know that I am here...
with a roll of t.p. in my back pocket ;)
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