intangible silence

Finally, a moment of peace- just back from work, no more homework, no more extra-curricular activities, no more endless studying; just a moment to relax, a moment to be alone... *sigh*

But no, a constant buzzing in my brain is keeping me awake, stealing away my peace and turning it into a raging war inside my head, because every spare second of the day is spent in attempting to figure out what's going on... There is not such a thing as peace in a day, not with the brain always pondering, wondering, thinking...

I'm supposed to have been practicing my monologue for Shakespeare competitions that start in less than 2 weeks, and I just barely got completely memorized today. Pathetic. Last year I was memorized in like 3 days. This year it's taken me almost a month... and my whole problem is that my brain won't shut up and let me concentrate. It just won't. And even now when I'm even just trying to run through the words in my head, I feel like I have ADD because I just can't do it all the way through once without getting distracted by other thoughts floating around in there... It sucks hard.

Usually I can subdue all thoughts to focus complete concentration on what I want or need to do, but it's like there's someone else living in my head, always voicing their opinions, concerns, obsessions, emotions, etc. and they just can't shut up. I don't know how or why they came to be there, but at times -especially recently- I wish they would just go away and leave me be. I hate people like that that always have to say what they're thinking at the second it pops into their head, and unfortunately, it seems like I've become that kind of person in a way. I've turned into something I hate. And that's just weird.

I need a break from all of this; away from all this confusion and distress, the "unintended emotional cries" (duh, I love Aida), and the war being fought inside myself. ...But I can't get up and run away from my own conscience...