For The Hoff

I'm Still Here
by John Rzeznik

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your arms

And what do you think you'd ever say
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand
I'm a boy - No, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away
And how can you learn what's never shown
Yeah you stand here on your own
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here

They can't tell me who to be
'Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin'
While I keep on dreamin' for me
And their words are just whispers and lies
That I'll never believe

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can they say I'll never change
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here
I'm the one
'Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here

The Dream

Run!

I'm running...

...dark...


RUNNING

No, I'm not going to make it...

But I have to!

....just keep running....

-a glimpse- oh gosh, what was that???

FEAR...

coursing, pumping fear

adrenaline

RUN!

screaming

RUN!!

...no...

there it is, in front...

but wait, what the heck is behind???

.........just keep going!!....

NO!!! there it is, waiting-

RUN!

now where??? "oh gosh, HELP!!!"

the stairs, take the stairs

up

up to the light

what the --- how the heck did it get up the stairs???

...dread...

pounding head

scream

"WHAT DO YOU WANT???"

fear...

absolute fear

...no hope....





and then nothing. a faint light. awareness. realization: all a dream, only a dream. but still the fear. oh gosh, what is that? and that??
paranoia sets in. imagination at its best. ...or worst??

the fear still lingers...

...And Still I Wonder...

Yes, I know I have weird obsessions, so you shouldn't be surprised that this blog is about my boy.

But, the thing is, I just don't know anymore. I mean, ...gosh, I don't know. See? I just don't. I mean, I love him so so so hard, but it's so weird cuz there are just random moments when it's hard to believe that I really do love him. For example:

He's gone. He left for Christmas vacation to Mexico on Wednesday, and he won't be back until practically New Year's. I've noticed that when I'm with him, everything seems to be in its proper place and life is perfect: "nothing could go wrong now...", but when he's gone away from me I feel that maybe I don't love him as much as I think I do and that I'm tying my life into a knot chasing after some foolish dream. I'm scared. Nothing in the world has ever made me feel this way: so far up in the sky that I'm dazzled by the sparkling sun and that I'm soaring high above the clouds, and yet so low down as to feel the fires full of hate burning in hell while being so cold as to have no feeling but those of confusion, dread, and being lost.

Ok, so maybe scared isn't the right word for it. Scared is just a word I use to describe how I feel when I think about him. This kid is my best friend: he knows me better than anyone else in the whole entire world, (and when I say the whole entire world, I mean the whole entire world: not even my parents or siblings or any other friends know me this well), and yet how can he love me? Why is it that even though he knows some of my most deepest, darkest secrets and even though he knows exactly what I feel when I'm in my different moods, he loves me overall? And does he really love me like I think he does, or is it just some puppy love that I've gotten so obsessed with as to think that we really were made for each other?? Am I just being naive, as said by Shamae??

A cry of anguish echos in my head and lingers in my heart. Where am I? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to know??

And still I think and wonder even more after saying all this, I really do love him. I bet that I'm thinking this way only because he's gone away from me....

"...and still I wonder..."

Falling

Darkness, all over. Surrounding as it chokes the life out. And then, suddenly, LIGHT. Bright whiteness overcomes and shines out the clearer. Life. Light. Sound. Sound as though someone is calling from a far distance, but nothing to see. Nothing.

"Lisa. Come on. Come back. I love you so much. Come back to me. I love you..."

The sound fades, but warmth, such warmth, and suddenly all the feeling rushes back. Realization hits with such force that it feels like falling, falling out of space: butterflies in the stomach, the heart beats faster, adrenaline rushes. Wanting to call out, but something's holding back, holding so much back that the lips are sealed. Fighting, wanting to break free...

"No, I... I can't... I... fall... help!... I... I'm falling... fall... fallen... in love..."

Go Back

This one's for Shamae for all the time that she's gone away from us, and even if it don't fit for her, I know it's what I'm feeling while she's gone...:

Why don't you go back?
I know you wouldn't hurt anymore
Than when you left.
Then you would not have to be alone.
You!! Only for you!
You say you're happy.
Whoopedy doo,
You know that's not true,
And they know it too.
You're playing the fool.

Go back!!
Go! Go back!
So, you say it's wack.
So!?!

Sleep, you get next to none.
You're having a meltdown,
And jumping my gun.
You've heard of suggestions
That hit like a ton.
Well, I'll give you one:

Go back!!
Go! Go back!!
So, you say it's wack.
So!?!

If you don't go, the end will be sad.
If you won't, then you'll lose all you had.
You've been running hard.
You can't find your place.
And the memories won't erase!!

Ready, set... GO BACK!!
Go! Go back!!
So, you say it's wack.
So!?!

Go back!!!
GO!!!

I love you so hard, Shamae, SO HARD!!

how many?

so, how many lisa astons do you know?? huh? do tell, because that is what I'm asking. my best friend from kindergarten through 4th grade did not even recognize me when I saw her for the first time in 6 years today. well, I guess that's kinda understandable (cuz I prolly wouldn't have recognized myself), but when our new friends and I all tried to explain to her that I was the lisa aston that went to orem elementary and then left, but lived in the same house as the lisa aston she knew, she still did not understand that it was me, that I am the lisa aston....

Holy crap!! I mean, how dense can you get??!?! you'd think that people would understand, if you tell them your name and showed them your house and even told them that you used to know them, but No!! who just does that?? who is she? goodness...

A literary problem?? I think not...

Holy crap!!! My day was freakin better today, mostly because my hot sexy hottie got his stuff back, and it makes me so happy to see him smile!!! Because he's way way way hotter without his braces on... yummy: I could just eat him up!! Yay. And that was my day.

Oh, except for the part when I had to act for honors english class... so, we're reading Macbeth, right? Well, the stupid teacher is stupid and is making everybody in the class act the play out in order to teach us. But the thing is, not everybody who's taking honors english is a drama person!! No offense to them, but they can't act. Plus a whole frickin lot of them don't want to act!! Duh!! Our teacher is stupid. You just can't force people to act!!! That has gotta be one of the most obvious things in the world, especially since the teacher used to be a drama person herself... gosh...

Aaaannnnnndddd.... I'm done now.

Delicate and Fanciful, huh?!? hehehe...

You are Xianghua -
You're used to people telling you that you're cute because you simply are! Your love for beauty and all things social makes you a positive force amongst any group of people. Although you may seem delicate and fanciful on the outside, you're a lot stronger than peoplethink you are. Purity, inner strength, and a sense of aesthetics is what makes you Xianghua.
Which Soul Calibur character are you?

this quiz was made by david park .
...

Nightmare is by far the most badass character in the game. Similarly, you are badass. You are aggressive and you are a straight-dealer, people who dilly-dally and waste your time piss you off. Sometimes your temper runs a little short and the people around you suffer as a result, however, it's all just a matter of how you deal with stress. You don't want to be messed with and people know it...that kinda respect does not come as easily to other weaklings. Oh...and if you're ever around a casting call for a villain in a Hollywood movie, AUDITION!

Which Soul Calibur character are you?

this quiz was made by david park

huh. things have definitely changed since I first posted this blog... see that above? that's what I just got from re-doing that quiz. And today (just for future reference) is June 11. It's definitely been a while. And I did that the first time on December 9. Yes. I am done now.

Depression: The Cycle

So, I was having a pretty ok day today. Things were going well: I'd gotten up in time to take a shower and dry my hair, I had some chocolate milk for breakfast, I'd gotten to school early enough to get some of my homework done, I walked in late to first period but was not counted tardy, I didn't have to do anything for tech class/first period, and besides all that, I'd seen my true love before the day had started!! (mmm, happy tingly warm fuzzie feeling inside... yum!)

But, second period came around and all of a sudden I was out, dropping off into that welcoming black oblivion called sleep. Strangely enough though, as the class wore on, we conducted an experiment that gave me quite a shock. No, literally, we like turned on some electricity and got shocked for "acting like a battery". It got my blood pumping and it was exhilarating, but my body felt weird, so weird in fact to be a bad kind of weird feeling. I suddenly didn't feel as happy, a headache started coming on, I couldn't concentrate, and I started to lose feeling in my hands and arms. But, I still had some of the happiness that I'd felt all morning with me, plus I knew that I still had something, or rather, someone, to look forward to seeing in between second and third.

---The bell rings to signal the end of second period, and all of a sudden I'm hit with a wave of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach; I want to see him so bad, and yet, ...*frustration* GAHH!! I'm only 15!!! Why??

Oh, anyways, back to the story: I gather my stuff and walk out of the classroom, to find my twin and my friend talking just outside the door. We begin our journey down the hall when suddenly, there he is!! The tall one, head and sholders above the rest of the crowd, but I see him and I can tell: something's not right. Something must have happened to make him lose the light in his eyes and look a little bitterly at the world.

I smile and wave, despite the agitation I feel eminating from him. He comes near and the first thing he says is, "They've been stolen!" He continues, "Someone took them from my backpack when I was in P.E. ...and that was like $400 of stuff..." and I understand. He looks like he could crawl into a corner and cry, and I want to just hug him and tell him everything will be okay, but the abruptness of it all shocks me and I'm speachless. We stand there for a few moments in an akward silence, then we say our see ya's and leave for third period, and all the while I can feel his pain. The feeling I get at that moment sticks, and it follows me around all through third, and lunch, and fourth, and the 30 minute walk home, and even when I finally do reach my house, I can't concentrate on anything because I can't help feeling bad for him. I love him so much, and no one deserves anything like this to happen to them, especially him!!

The rest of my day was spent thinking of him, and how I want to cheer him up and make him happier, mostly because one of my major life's goals is to cheer up the depressed and keep a constant happy face to make others be happy, but also because I love him, and he doesn't deserve to be this way. He's a good kid, and it shouldn't have been him, it shouldn't have!! (It actually shouldn't be anyone, for that matter...) So guys, for a future reference: don't steal! - it hurts people more than you know, and more people hurt than you know too...

But, I gotta keep moving on, gotta keep living life as well as can be... so:

"Tomorrow's another day,
And I am not afraid...
So bring on the rain!!"

Because rain makes me happy :D -er than any other kind of weather... plus it reminds me of him! yay.

For Shamae

Hey Shamae!!

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
And everything I wish I could be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
But I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth,
Of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I can fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings,
'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
So high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings!!
-Sung by Bette Midler, meant from my heart

And another:

I don't need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving Shmoo
She's my only reason
She's my only truth

I need Shmoo like water
Like breath, like rain
I need Shmoo like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in her arms
That carries me through
I need Shmoo

She's the hope that moves me
To courage again
She's the love that rescues me
When the cold winds rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how Shmoo is/are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause she's brought me too far

I need Shmoo like water
Like breath, like rain
I need Shmoo like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in her arms
That carries me through
I need Shmoo
Oh yes I do

I need Shmoo like water
Like breath, like rain
I need Shmoo like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in her arms
That carries me through
I need Shmoo
Oh yes I do
I need Shmoo
I need Shmoo!!

*moanishly thing* ...aaahhha, Shamae!! why??

holy crap, spending the most of the evening that i did with shmoo was so totally awesomely, but now it's over and i'm sitting here... alone... with no Shamae... cuz she's leaving us!

gah, and i'm trying not to be depressed, but it's kinda not working. but, uh, hehe, you have fun with that inflatable chair Shamae!! you should like, start a collection. mmmmhhhmmm!! that would be awesome...

man, i love you! and i want to see you on monday: i'm gonna miss school if that's what it takes to catch that final glimpse of you for like a month or two... heh heh heh

the first

well peoples, i've finally gotten around to making one of these freaking cool blog sites! i'm happy, my conscious is happy to have finally gotten this off of my list of things to do before Shamae leaves, and you should be happy too! yay.