Yes, I know I have weird obsessions, so you shouldn't be surprised that this blog is about my boy.
But, the thing is, I just don't know anymore. I mean, ...gosh, I don't know. See? I just don't. I mean, I love him so so so hard, but it's so weird cuz there are just random moments when it's hard to believe that I really do love him. For example:
He's gone. He left for Christmas vacation to Mexico on Wednesday, and he won't be back until practically New Year's. I've noticed that when I'm with him, everything seems to be in its proper place and life is perfect: "nothing could go wrong now...", but when he's gone away from me I feel that maybe I don't love him as much as I think I do and that I'm tying my life into a knot chasing after some foolish dream. I'm scared. Nothing in the world has ever made me feel this way: so far up in the sky that I'm dazzled by the sparkling sun and that I'm soaring high above the clouds, and yet so low down as to feel the fires full of hate burning in hell while being so cold as to have no feeling but those of confusion, dread, and being lost.
Ok, so maybe scared isn't the right word for it. Scared is just a word I use to describe how I feel when I think about him. This kid is my best friend: he knows me better than anyone else in the whole entire world, (and when I say the whole entire world, I mean the whole entire world: not even my parents or siblings or any other friends know me this well), and yet how can he love me? Why is it that even though he knows some of my most deepest, darkest secrets and even though he knows exactly what I feel when I'm in my different moods, he loves me overall? And does he really love me like I think he does, or is it just some puppy love that I've gotten so obsessed with as to think that we really were made for each other?? Am I just being naive, as said by Shamae??
A cry of anguish echos in my head and lingers in my heart. Where am I? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to know??
And still I think and wonder even more after saying all this, I really do love him. I bet that I'm thinking this way only because he's gone away from me....
"...and still I wonder..."
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6 comments:
I think the only person other than me in our group that knows how you feel is mariette... but not the same way. Look I know EXACTLY what you mean about things fitting into their place, and the way you wonder when they're not around. Just be careful that your wondering doesn't get out of hand, it did with me and i have regretted it every day since. It's not easy falling in love, that's why they call it falling, because you can't help but cut yourself up a little bit when you fall. but that's the thing that's so great about loving someone... they're always willing to kiss those cuts better, even if they're not always they're to do it.
I'm pulling for you
I think this is something that can not be analyzed. You just have to make the choices you feel are right and enjoy the times while they last. Try not to think too far ahead, chances are, you'll only get hurt. SO, ...yah. Just yah. I am eating cheese.
oh my crap, you guys, I LOVE YOU ALL, you have no idea. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out cuz I love you all so so hard. I love how you all understand so much. no, I really do, you really don't have any idea.
man, I think I need a hug... I'll blog about it in a few
YOU GUYS TOTALLY ROCK MY SOCKS :D
and Shamae, you keep eating that cheese!! :P
yes, the cheese is very...good. only it's gross.
oh really?? you silly
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