hate ...or something like it

Torture. Absolute torture. Tied to a chair with nowhere to run except for to hide inside these tears streaming down my face...

"Now Lisa, I want this to be a real conversation we're about to have," but judging from what happens in the next few minutes I can already tell that that's not going to take place. The Lecture starts, and from the topic on duscussion I hope against all hope that it won't be a long one, all the while already knowing that agreeing to come in the first place sealed my fate... 45 minutes. 45 of the longest minutes of my life, fighting back tears but feeling them defiantly leaking down my face anyways, dreading the next thing to be said, knowing that it would force more hot confusion out of my eyes, and all the while I'm anticipating how much longer until I could just leave him and go somewhere else to cry freely and peacefully on my own...

I hate that man. I hate too many people these days, I know, but I still hate him. Why can't he just accept the fact that I will do this on my own, and that I don't tell people my problems with life because I don't want their input?!?!?!???! Even my seminary teacher understands this- he backs off because he knows I want to deal with this alone; but no, my very own bishop won't give me any space to live my life my own way, even if "The Lord" has certain concerns about me... Mother fucker, I don't give a shit. I mean, "man's proudest privelege is to go to Hell in his own way," so let me use my own roads to go wherever the hell I want!

Holy crap, I'm pissed. I don't know if you could tell, but I'm just a little irritated right now. But, I'm not going to edit anything, because that's how I really feel, and I'm so sick of faking it all the time these days.

families- most particularly mine

I hate my family. Can I just say that?? I hate my family! ...Well, okay, I don't exactly hate them... I just get really irritated and angry with what they do to me. Yes- TO me. Just all of their insensitive use of me and my emotions- they're so distant... they don't want to know me themselves. It's like they're sick of my teenage emotional tendencies and they only keep me around to see what more work they can get out of me before I take my leave to make the better of my life...

So, as you can most likely tell, my family's been enangering me lately. One reason, probably the most noticeable to me, is that they are so cold and insensitive towards me all the time. Like, for example, I got home from Shakespeare Competitions after having been away from them for 3 days, and what do they do?? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All they ask me is, "Did you win anything?? [Because I want to know if you won something so that I can take all your glory and say that I spent SO much time working with you, when really I didn't, because I am just too self-absorbed with myself, and then I won't have to worry about paying for college for you anymore]..." Bleahhhh. "Did you win anything". That's all they ask. They don't even have the decency to say, "I love you", "I'm so glad you're back", "I missed you so much", or anything of the sort- just "Did you win anything", and it makes me feel so... used. Used to bring glory and attention to them. And feeling used is not a good sort of feeling. Which brings me to my point: I don't feel loved when I'm around my family. I feel used. Synthesis of this analysis: one feasible reason for me to hate my family.

Another thing I feel when I'm around my family is that I'm not really part of the family at all- I'm just there. No one really asks me anything- it's always just "Oh, I'll tell Lisa this and this because she's a good listener. And because I just have to tell someone right this minute and not care about their problems at all." Which is how I feel. Like nobody cares. Their solution to this problem: involve the YW leaders. Make them take care of it. Make them find out what's going on in her life and then have them tell me. Well, FYI, in case you forgot or something, I've been having major issues with the YW leaders in general, and getting them more involved in my "life" as they know it will only make things worse for me. Bleaahhh. That makes me feel good, let me tell ya. *rolls eyes*...

Besides, it's not like they'd even let me tell them anything anyways. All that ever happens when I start talking is nothing, because it never happens. I never get the chance to say anything because I'm interrupted. I probably sound really selfish right now saying that I'm not getting enough attention, but it's true. I really don't. Not that I want it or anything, but it's the thought that counts. But, like I've said before- I'm too selfless, and when people start talking over me, I let them for fear of seeming too selfish. But, too many years of neglect and interruptions made me that way. Doesn't that give me a right to be angry at my family? I think so, which is one of the reasons that I hate them. But will I ever tell them this?? ...Probably never.

Don't ask me why I'm writing this- you just need to know that I had to vent. There are more reasons for my feeling this way, but these were the most sensitive to me at the moment. I'm enangered, and nobody knows it... bleaaahh.

bleeaaahhh

this will be me in about 5 hours if I'm not done with all my

end-O-the-term homework...

people in general

Some people really bother me. And others are really cool. Some are completely the opposite of my personality, and others match mine perfectly. But what's the difference? What makes people so different from each other that I can love some to death and loathe others with a passion?

Sometimes people can seem so single-minded. It's like they cannot accept the way other people think, or else they just don't understand. But why? Why is it that people can't see things differently?? It bothers me so much the way that single-minded people are. I saw a picture today with a quote on it that said, "Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood." People don't have to be so ignorant... if only they would just take the g.d. TIME out of their single-minded day to listen to those around them!! Sheesh!

Then there's those kinds of people who think the world revolves around them. They think that if they're not right, NOBODY'S right. Things always have to go their way or they throw a pissyfit! My favorite example is people and their music. If they don't like the style of music, they bitch and complain so loudly about "how horrible this terrible music is" until you can't hear the music anymore because of their complaints, so you change the music to what they want just so that you don't have to listen to them anymore... AAHHH! It bothers me SO BAD!! I just want to like, you know, rip their heads off or SOMETHING, just so that they would shut up and learn to deal with it. Because in life, you WON'T ALWAYS GET THINGS YOUR WAY!! So learn it now before you have to learn it the hard way...

There's also people who think the world belongs to them- anything they see that they like is fair game, even if it's somebody else's. For example, not to point any fingers or anything *cheezy wink*, my sister keeps going in my room and taking all my clothes, my jewelry, my perfumes, my makeup, my shoes, etc. and uses it until it needs washing or until it breaks or she just plain loses it and THEN she tells me that she took it. People need privacy- it's human nature. But when someone disrupts that sanctuary of personal privacy by taking what's not theirs, it disrupts the peace and can cause some serious problems, such as hate, loathing, revenge, paranoia, hate, and loathing, up until the point of complete loss of trust. But these communistic people just don't see what's wrong with using everything within reach, and I don't know why. What ever happened to asking permission, or being polite and just leaving other people's stuff alone??? I don't know. And it's getting on my nerves why people just don't see.

People are funny things. Who knows why some are misunderstanding in so many different ways?? I surely don't, but I'm open to any solutions... bring it on people, I'm interested to know. *sits down and waits patiently*

carpe diem

Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life
In this world
Divided by fear
We've got to believe that
There's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here...

Oh, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

See the truth, all around
Our faith can be broken
Our hands can be bound
But open our hearts
And fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?...

No, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

We can't go on
Thinking it's wrong to speak our minds
I've got to let out what's inside...

Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, can we get it right?...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives!

bleeaaahhh, I write too formally....

Somme Day

The Battle of the Somme on July 1, 1916 began and ended in major destruction and loss of life. There are many reasons for this, some of them being the most simple mistakes of the war, but they turned out to be the most deadly. There were problems with lack of preparation, lack of armament, faulty equipment, and miscommunication between officers.

The Battle of the Somme was going to be one of the biggest attacks and the largest successive assault against the German line of defense in the trenches in France. Had the Allies been better prepared to fight, the battle would not have gone so awry. As such, Allied preparation was in short supply, new troops being sent in having only 3 days of training or less before their transferral to the Somme. Thus they were not prepared for or aware of the kind of fighting that lay before them, giving one reason why death tolls were so high.

Armament, or rather the lack thereof, was another notable reason why Allied success was unattainable. Many of the troops did not have the proper arms with which to fight and destroy the enemy. Plus, Allied heads of state did not send adequate battery supplies to Somme officials to use in the 3 day bombardment of enemy lines. Because of this, German troops were not as hurt or destroyed as fully as was hoped and planned for prior to the attack on July 1.

The Battle of the Somme was a huge assault against the German lines. It was definitely a show of force - the Allied forces having sent showers of shells for 3 days straight into the German trenches in the heaviest bombardment of the war so far, but it turned out to be woefully inadequate for the kind of assault being planned to follow it. For one, the weather of the previous days refused to allow Allied troops the convenience of aerial eyes to tell exactly how close or how far away their bombardment was from the German lines (accuracy in the first World War was hard to acquire and maintain). For another, quite a notable amount of artillery from British manufacturers turned out to be faulty and would fail in its function, either by breakages in the guns, or the shells’ failure to explode at the moment of impact on enemy lines. Thus, far less damage was acquired for Allied success than was required for this attack to be a success, in the end increasing the death toll for all Allied forces.

Miscommunication was another major factor of the death tolls in the Battle of the Somme. Officials did not have enough discussion about what would happen and what action would be taken for any and all different fighting situations. All that was planned for were successes on the battlefield, not a massacre of nearly all troops and divisions. As such, reinforcements of troops were continuously sent out after each other, victories being assumed and assumptions made that the divisions would need reinforcements to help sustain and gain more control of the enemy trenches. Instead, the result was that more and more waves of Allied troops were being sent to their deaths on German machine guns and shells - unknown to them because of the lack of information being sent back to headquarters and the lack of communication between those officers.

This battle at the Somme needn’t have been so bloody or deadly. There were so many things that could have been done better or differently that would have changed the outcome of the battle, but by happenstance they instead put everyone involved in more danger than was necessary. As such, more than 100,000 men died that day because of a great lack of Allied enthusiasm in areas such as preparation, armament, munitions, and communication, for winning this battle.

SHAKESPEARE!!!

Oh I so happy! Going to Shakespeare tomorrow!! Yes. Sooooo goo-! Wow. I am so excited I don't know what to write. Such exhileration. *pauses* *doobie* ...And down to my point: why I like Shakespeare!! wOOt. K, here goes:

Shakespeare, one of the greatest playwrights in the world- this weekend celebrated by hundreds of high school students coming together in one city to compete by performing his works. Excitement fills my veins knowing that I will be one of them, one of the many people competing for glory in Shakespeare's world, performing my heart out for so many others to see. But Shakespeare isn't all of it... is it? There are so many reasons for going down there, and Shakespeare is only ONE of them...

One reason I do go down there is for the shows that we see. Ahhh, the shows... They are totally awesome down in Cedar City!! Last year I totally went down again to see Macbeth AGAIN after we got back with the english students and whatnot. It was awesome! Plus to get to see different people's interpretations of Shakespeare's works during the rounds is cool too- it gives insight sometimes that I most likely haven't thought of before... Man, we ROCK! Like, everyone who goes there to perform Shakespeare!! wOOt.

One of my favorite reasons for going down to Cedar City during Shakespeare is that I get to spend a whole 3 days with cool people, such as my friends (both actors AND techies!! whoooo!)- that means you guys. You rawk my world! I love you, SO HARD!! And being with cool people for that long of time makes me so happy! *sigh* ...So goo-! Ahhhh... I'm still so excited for tomorrow!!

But, I think that my most favorite or maybe second favorite (I can't decide between this reason or the one mentioned above) reason for going down there is so that I can get away- get away from this hell-hole known as Orem, Utah. The city, the landscape, the school, the people, the consistant Mormonists... they all get so bland and annoying ALL THE TIME! Going down to Cedar City gets me away from everything and everyone that I need that break from, and I love it lots. It's one of my favorite excuses for getting out of the house!! DUH! I love SHAKESPEARE!! Plus the fact that I absolutely LOVE everyone that DOES go down to Shakespeare only makes things SO MUCH BETTER!! WHOOOOOOOO!

HOORAY FOR SHAKESPEARE!!!

a step too far

Selflessness. To some people, it's a rather desirable and respected trait to have. Apparently I have it- I've been told so. But apparently I also have too much- I'm too selfless. I put others first too often before I look at what the ending result will do to me.

Ever since I was told this, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Just the situation I was in and all the things that were (and still are) going on... that comment hit me hard. But as I look around at my life, I realize that it's true. Too often lately I've found myself in pain and emotionally hurting because I just can't help being so selfless. I spend so much time dwelling on other peoples' problems that there's just no more time left to help myself. My selflessness in the form of helping others has grown to the extent that in helping them, I hurt myself.

I've also noticed that in my selflessness I've become "a private person", as told to me by my mother. She and my sister commented on the fact that I don't tell anyone anything, like, ever. Dwelling on this thought, I wanted to scream at them the fact that they were the ones that made me this way- this secretive private selfless person. But because of that secretive private selflessness, I didn't. I didn't scream at them or even tell them how or why I am this way. In fact, I didn't hardly even respond to their comments. Because of this selflessness, everything inside of me stays inside of me, and there is just no way for me to let it all out without making me feel like I'm imposing in on someone else's life, dumping all my problems on them to add along to all of their own struggles. I've cried so many nights away trying to find a way to let this all out, to tell someone everything that I'm feeling and everything that I'm going through... but I'm just too selfless.

I guess I've found that there is a certain point where a good form of selflessness changes into a bad one, so much that it pains the giver. It's strange to think that something so awesome can hurt anyone at all. But it does, and it is. ...And it needs to change. I'm teetering on the edge of a breakdown as I toy with this emotionally draining selflessness, knowing that somewhere, somewhen, somehow- I will fall either one way or the other...

listening to "Empty Apartment" by Yellowcard

So, I got this in a forward. I liked it... and I posted it here instead.

GET IT RIGHT:
1. If you like her ASK HER OUT already!!!!!!!!
2. When you hug her, put YOUR ARMS around her WAIST and hold her close.
3. When you WALK next to her, get as CLOSE as you can to her.
4. If she's the only one in your life, TELL HER.
5. ALWAYS let her know how much you like her, love her, or think about her.
6. Give her presents and cards for no reason, SHE WILL RETURN THE FAVOR... ALWAYS.
7. If she hangs up on you, call her right back.
8. Always offer to pay, if she says NO twice, then let her pay, but make a deal that you get to pay next time.
9. Kiss her lightly every chance you get.
10. Look in her eyes and kiss her on the lips, forehead, or nose.
11. If she says she's cold, don't be an idiot and say "me too" and stand there! Give her your jacket or just simply hold her in your arms.
12. Don't force her to do anything she's not comfortable with.
13. Invite her to dinner or somewhere where you can talk, instead of the movies.
14. Try not to ask her if she's mad at you EVERY TIME you speak to her.
15. Always tell her you LOVE her only if you really mean it.
16. DON'T pressure her to do anything she isnt READY to do. When she is ready, she will let you know. She just wants everything to be more SPECIAL and PERFECT. So appreciate what she does do with you.
17. DON'T go and tell your friends anything that happens between you two, because it will hurt her and make her mad... and it will NEVER happen again.

When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running through her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine.
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering what you are thinking.
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it.
When a GIRL says "I miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that.