a step too far

Selflessness. To some people, it's a rather desirable and respected trait to have. Apparently I have it- I've been told so. But apparently I also have too much- I'm too selfless. I put others first too often before I look at what the ending result will do to me.

Ever since I was told this, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Just the situation I was in and all the things that were (and still are) going on... that comment hit me hard. But as I look around at my life, I realize that it's true. Too often lately I've found myself in pain and emotionally hurting because I just can't help being so selfless. I spend so much time dwelling on other peoples' problems that there's just no more time left to help myself. My selflessness in the form of helping others has grown to the extent that in helping them, I hurt myself.

I've also noticed that in my selflessness I've become "a private person", as told to me by my mother. She and my sister commented on the fact that I don't tell anyone anything, like, ever. Dwelling on this thought, I wanted to scream at them the fact that they were the ones that made me this way- this secretive private selfless person. But because of that secretive private selflessness, I didn't. I didn't scream at them or even tell them how or why I am this way. In fact, I didn't hardly even respond to their comments. Because of this selflessness, everything inside of me stays inside of me, and there is just no way for me to let it all out without making me feel like I'm imposing in on someone else's life, dumping all my problems on them to add along to all of their own struggles. I've cried so many nights away trying to find a way to let this all out, to tell someone everything that I'm feeling and everything that I'm going through... but I'm just too selfless.

I guess I've found that there is a certain point where a good form of selflessness changes into a bad one, so much that it pains the giver. It's strange to think that something so awesome can hurt anyone at all. But it does, and it is. ...And it needs to change. I'm teetering on the edge of a breakdown as I toy with this emotionally draining selflessness, knowing that somewhere, somewhen, somehow- I will fall either one way or the other...