so we're having a going-away partay for Jessy before she goes to nationals. and we just went down to the lake and buried stuff for fun while fighting off an enormous army of mosquitoes. and when we finally climbed back up the hill, there was the sheriff pulling out from behind my car.
I get so freaking paranoid when I drive with people in my car. I'm afraid that somehow someone will be stupid or I'll get distratcted and I'll lose my licence or someone will die and I'll be guilty for the rest of my life. and now with the sheriff singling out my car tonight, I'm afraid as hell. I don't want to lose my friends- they're my life; I don't want to lose my licence- it gives me so much freedom... and yet so much restraint as well. but I like it, more than I like having no car.
I hate it, this feeling inside of me. and I'm sitting here at Marisa's house freaking out and nobody cares to look, or wonder, or even ask if I'm okay. ...okay okay, so they did when I said that I was freaking out... but still, it bothers me that there was no second thought about it on their part. I'm a new driver, and still a kid; things scare me. I need a hug right now- one of the kind that eminate the feeling of, "everything will be all right; shhhh, you're safe now; don't worry," and I don't want it to ever end, ever.
I hate when I'm feeling all alone and afraid. and I find that I'm feeling it more and more often. I hate it. I loathe it. I loathe me when I'm feeling this way. I loathe me.
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5 comments:
well, I for one feel like a dick. You were right there and I didn't realize you were worried about it.
Well, I can't give you a hug now (although I wish I could) but I can tell you what I bet the cop was doing:
It's illegal to discharge firearms down at the lake, but frequently farmers, hillbillies, or any other person of the sort do exactly that. So police officers usually stop when they see a car parked in that area just to make sure something like that isn't going on. Now, the Sheriff drove past, saw an old Suburban parked there, and decided to make sure there wasn't anything going on that would be classified "illegal." He got out of his car and all he saw were a bunch or girls fighting off a swarm of mosquitos. Seeing that nothing was amiss, he left.
That's all there was. There's nothing he can tag you for, and if there was you would know about it already. So don't worry about it, you did nothing wrong. And I'm sorry I didn't comfort you when you needed it.
Lisa I love you! I almost started crying reading your blog. I'm sorry about last night. But the whole part about you being lonely and sad I can todally relate to. I also need a hug. So I'm giving you an over the internet hug until I see you again. And you still need to climb the pole at the park with me. "HUGGING NOW" Love you tons.
I didnt know you were REALLY Freaking out like.. FREAKING OUT freaking out. OR ELSE I WOULD HAVE HUGGED YOU! You hid it too well, i thought you were joking mostly.
I'm sorry i didnt hug you. But sousa is right, you would have already known. If he was going to get you for something, he would have talked to us then. No problems.
OHMYGOD LISSSAAA! I feel like a bitch now....I didn't know that you were THAT freaked out about that man....now I can't give you a hug because I'm leaving tomorrow morning!! uuuggghhh you should have told me sooner!
I love you leasa...I'm tired and I can't time....type....whatever I LOVE YOU LISA!!! *huggles*
*angry sound* guys, they don't call me an actor for nothing
...plus all my fucking LIFE I've HAD to keep it all inside, hide all my emotions or else I'd get punished in one way or another. if I was sad and I showed it- I'd get people constantly googling over me asking if I was ok. if I was angry and exploded at someone- I'd get slapped across the face (or spanked, when I was younger) and harshly reprimanded. and when I was happy to the point of bursting and I showed it- it's my family's fucking habit to freaking ASSUME that I've met a boy and I'm now his girlfriend and we've made out and I want to marry him blah blah blah BLAH! *more angry sounds: kicks something in the background, screams and rips out hair, etc.*
oh and by the way, if you're still reading this: I hate you.
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