Somebody shoot me now. I just can't go on living. Rip my wings off my body and soul, and pull me down out of the sky where I've been flying for too long. Sorrow returns to me, again and again, and there's no stopping it. Every time I see him, every time he sees me, and every time my mind shifts to anything that reminds me of him, ...my heart gets ripped out of its place again and again. Why? Why can't my life go back to the way it used to be? Why can't I be free to fly without anything tying me down?
Everything, EVERYTHING is just going so wrong right now. My living nightmares from the past few months keep coming back to haunt me again and again and I keep on reliving the pain over and over.
Thursday, for example, I arrive at school and one of his friends waits to hold the door for me. The look he gives me is so sharp and penetrating, and it seemed so full of hate. I mutter a thanks anyways and walk on by. My soul and eyes fill up with the ever familiar tears of regret and pain as I continue down the hall, and by the time I reach my locker, I'm almost too weak to stand. I slump against the other lockers and hide behind my door, all the while fighting back a total and complete breakdown. It follows this same pattern each time I see any of his buddies: we lock eyes, I break with tears of regret filling my soul, occasionally mutter a "hi", and I walk away, torn.
Everyday now it seems that my life continues in this way. I wake up each morning, and every simple little thing turns my mind back onto him and I fight the wave of tears that's always there, just waiting for the opportune moment of privacy to be let loose. ...And yet, somehow they never come. They never break the surface and fall down my face in the river of pain that I constantly find myself caught up in: always swimming towards the banks but never quite seeming to get there to finally feel the refreshing warmth of the sun and the sand under my feet after the cold dark dampness of the water. No, it feels like this can never be the end that I achieve, the end that I so desperately long for. My never has now gone, and it seems that my forever will be everlasting. My life can never come to that sunwarmed sandy and peaceful end, or any end, for that matter; oh no, mine will be forever tormented by the hell raging and burning inside me.
So, I've been thinking, and I think that I've finally found an answer to one of life's many questions: Why do only the good die young? I believe that there's two solutions to this problem: 1) we push ourselves past our physical limits and accidentally kill ourselves when trying to achieve perfection for ourselves or when helping others to achieve perfection in their lives, or 2) we commit suicide because things have started to go so hellishly wrong that we just don't know how to deal with it all after our previously perfect lives before.
And yeah, I say we as in referring to myself also. Sad. So much has changed so fast, and my mind is constantly racing through solutions to the constant wave of living nightmares that surround my soul. To me it finally comes down to just letting go, getting life over with as soon as possible to put my soul in a final resting place of peace and to gain some kind of closure to this hell.
...And yet, I fight to hold on. I struggle against the bonds that are closing in on me. It's not over. ...yet.
Sound the bugle now;
Play it just for me.
As the seasons change
Remember how I used to be.
Now I can't go on.
I can't even start.
I've got nothing left,
Just an empty heart.
I'm a soldier
Wounded so I must give up the fight.
There's nothing more for me.
Lead me away,
...or leave me lying here.
Sound the bugle now;
Tell them I don't care.
There's not a road I know
That leads to anywhere.
Without a light
I fear that I will stumble in the dark,
Lay right down and decide
Not to go on.
Then from on high
Somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls
"Remember who you are!
If you loose yourself
Your courage soon will follow.
So be strong tonight.
Remember who you are!
Yeah! You're a soldier now
Fighting in a battle
To be free once more!
Yeah, that's worth fighting for!!"
6 comments:
Hell smells like rotton eggs and cough syrup. Come over and I will light a candle so we can get rid of that sick sick hell smell. Trust me, the smell is what is bringin you down... ive been there. I've SMELT it.
Not only does it reak, but it is really really humid and it ALWAYS ruins your hair. I hate when hell ruins my hair. Come on over, you can take a shower and I will blow dry your hair and put it in ringlets and you will look so pretty, hell will spit you out. Trust me, I've FELT it.
If you have curly beautiful hair and you smell really really good, theres no sense in ripping your beautiful wings off, even if they are a little dusty.
Now after weve got that cleared up, all we need to fix is your aching soul. Once you've fixed that, hell will never take you back. If you want me to help you on this one, you will have to do more than just come over.
Hunny, trust me, Ive been there. I've done that. I dont know all the details, but if you trust in someone, the strength from them will shine light into your dark places and make the flowers grow again. I dont have to be the one, im probably not the one, but I am here. I am here with a curling iron, a scented candle, and a warm heart.
You dont have to hold on all alone. Dont feel like you have to.
And you're wrong about that whole good die young thing- because the truely good dont die young. They keep holding on to the rope that feels like there is vasoline all over it. They keep holding on because they are willing to live through the pain to help otheres.
Let me help you. That is the only reason I am here.
Duh, you guys, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, and I'm gonna hold you to your promises to help one of these days. I think that the reason that I haven't done it yet is because I hate to cry. I hate feeling the burning of my eyes and I hate the emotions that crying lets run down my face and flow out of my soul. I also hate all the bull-shit sympathy people "feel" when they see me cry. But you guys, I know that you'll feel the empathy that I need, not all that pointless sympathy crap, because I believe that you've actually gone through what I am, Brittany, and Priscilla, I just trust you. So hard.
Heh, I've spent so many evenings sitting here listening to depressing music while letting the tears flow and reliving the pain over and over. I need a change of pace now. But I also need the time and the freedom to get away from my house too. Otherwise I probly would have already. That's another reason I haven't asked to take a private moment with anyone yet. I don't have time to spend precious minutes releasing aggrivating emotions. And it sucks. A LOT.
I love you both, so so hard! Thank you, so so SO much!
Lisa, I'll admit it, I don't know you that well, but I'd like to change that.
I get it, what you're saying, what you're going through. I may not have had the same experiences, but I've been there. I've been dragged through purgatory and brought to that incommunicable prison... I'm still working my way out...
People like us don't often have the chance to be understood. Some people just will never get it, they see it as being weak. Looks like a lot of us have ended up in the same place. Some people call it fate, I call it an opprotunity.
If you ever need someone to turn to, I'll always be there. But it looks like you'll have enough help, a lot of good friends who are there for you, but the offer's still open if you ever wanted to take it. I'm just a lonely sinner who shook hands with the devil, but I know what it's like.
Thanks guys. Like, SO MUCH.
Are you kidding me?! "I look forward to a good cry. It feels really good".
I...ridiculous....there is nothing I can do. I hope you feel better. garrr
Besides, you're the wind beneath my wings. like...you are. Freakin'... YOU ARE. GAAAWSH!
Dear Lisa... watch garden state.
"And i'm not saying i don't cry. But in between I laugh.Plus I look forward to a good cry. Feels pretty good. "
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